Illinois AD Ron Guenther sits at his desk. Illinois Football Coach [NAME REDACTED] enters the room.
Coach [REDACTED]: Mornin', Ron.
Guenther: Good morning. Please have a seat.
Coach [REDACTED]: I'd rather stand. It's like sitting but more ambitious. Good for the spine and the divisimus.
Guenther: That's fine, if you need to stand. Wait, what's the di--
Coach [REDACTED]: Great Pouch 'a Douglas, I don't have all day here Ron. Gotta get goin'-
/hang cleans coffee table
/texts recruit OMG Boss be hasslin' me
/uncorks entire Red Bull
/pours in eye
--gotta' right this ship, Ron. Let's set a spark here and go!
Guenther: That's what I'm here to talk about. We're going to have to make some serious staff changes in order to make this work for all of us, Coach.
Coach [REDACTED]: Um...
/pounds fifteen dollar budget sized jug of Creatine powder
/coughs up powder like snow machine at full blast
/stares
Coach: Why would you break up what we have here? We're trying to win.
Guenther: It's your offensive coordinator, first of all.
He gestures to MR. BUCKETS, perched in potted plant adjacent to the desk.
Coach: He's the best recruiter we've got!
Mr. BUCKETS: SKRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Guenther: Good god! This...this is not a football coach, Coach. This is a kinkajou.
Coach: That's not even a word. Look at him! He's got PASSION! He won us some games this year, and you're willing to just throw him overboard like that? We were first in the league in offense, dangit!
Guenther: You were eighth with a senior quarterback. And Mr. Buckets is nocturnal. He's not even awake for practices, and if he were it wouldn't matter. He does not know what football is, cannot read, and most certainly cannot be the offensive coordinator for our team. He can't even cash his paychecks, because he does not know what money is.
Coach: Hey, we were still better than Minnesota, weren't we?
Guenther: You really want to use that as the benchmark?
Coach: We're proud of what we do. We're getting better. I see improvement, Ron. All these things are correctable. We'll get it going here. Just ignore the noise in the system.
Mr. Buckets: SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Guenther: My lord, that things sounds like a girl scout in a hydraulic press. Is that just a reel of things you repeat when you're threatened?
Coach: We're proud of what we do. We're getting better. I see improvement, Ron. All these things are correctable. We'll get it going here. Just ignore the noise in the system.
Guenther: Sighs. You're also going to need to revamp your entire defensive staff. I've already informed them--um, it of your decision.
Coach: But Coach Box 'O Wires is one of the great minds of his generation, coaching-wise!
Guenther: That is a box of wires, Coach. A box of wires we were paying $300K a year to call our defense.
Coach: Well, whose fault is that, huh?
Guenther: /reaches for pistol in desk
/reconsiders
/remembers that he's just a few years from retirement
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