Image source: Clay Travis.
Holly's in transit today, so picks will just have to be up to yours truly. As we have no problem talking to the air itself, let's get this monologue underway without delay.
Florida at South Carolina. The grumpiest 9-0 fanbase in the nation heads to Columbia to face the man who initially allowed them to look at 9-0 in the SEC and be grumpy, Spurrier the White, the
THUNDERCLAPS SPLIT THE AIR LIKE THE HAND OF GOD ITSELF--
--AND ISN'T THAT APPROPRIATE PHRASING, ORSON. IT IS I, CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD.
Orson: [checks schedule] Schedule change?
COTG: YES OF COURSE I WANTED TO TAKE TOMORROW OFF TO WATCH THE NOTRE DAME PITT GAME.
Orson: Um, got any tips on how that might turn out?
COTG: YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, EVERYONE LOSES IN THAT GAME.
Orson: Right. Wait, were that means you were working yesterday, right?
COTG: HAHAHAHA YES. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE THING IN KNOXVILLE. I THOUGHT THE PRIUS WAS A NICE TOUCH.
Orson: It was. Can we do this quickly?
COTG: OF COURSE. I WANT TO GET THIS DONE QUICKLY, TOO. I'M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE STEAM ROOM AND WANT TO GET DONE BEFORE CTHULHU OF VHOORI COMES IN AND STINKS THE PLACE UP.
Orson: I'd imagine he smells horrible.
COTG: THAT ISN'T THE WORST PART. HE DOESN'T WEAR A TOWEL IN HERE. YOU TRY APPLYING ENOUGH MINDBLEACH TO GET THE SIGHT OF A PENIS COVERED IN SPIKES AND EYEBALLS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'D START CIRCUMSCISING THAT THING.
Orson: I see.
COTG: SOME GUYS IN THE GYM DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP TO ATTEND A TAPING OF THE 'DONG SHOW' YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
Orson: ...
COTG: LAUGH. THAT JOKE KILLED IN SODOM. NICE PLACE. NEEDED REMODELING.
Orson: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Quite funny!
COTG: SMITEY IS MY NAME AND MIGHTY IS MY POWER. NOW, YOU MUST FIRST PICK SOUTH CAROLINA TO BEAT FLORIDA THIS WEEKEND. SPURRIER IS A LOYAL FOLLOWER.
Orson: I can't do that. You know I can't do that.
COTG: YOU REMIND ME OF ABRAHAM. I ASKED HIM TO DO A FAVOR FOR ME ONCE.
Orson: Yeah, but that didn't happen, right?
COTG: NO BUT I ASKED THE SAME THING OF HIS NEIGHBOR, TOO. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THAT.
Orson: Who was that?
COTG: MEL FROM WEST GILEAD.
Orson: Did he sacrifice his child for you?
COTG: CHILDREN, AS IN MORE THAN ONE. THERE WERE LIKE ELEVEN OF THEM. I MEAN, I LIKE MY CIGARS, BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN---WELL, SACRIFICE IS THE WRONG WORD...
Orson: Yes?
COTG: MORE LIKE "WINGED THEM FROM HIS ROOFTOPS LIKE COW PATTIES."
Orson: ...
COTG: ....
Orson: I don't know what to say.
COTG: WELL, THAT'S WHY NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF MEL FROM GILEAD, NOW ISN'T IT? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT?
Orson: It's not like you're God or anything.
COTG: YOU APPEAR TO BE DEFICIENT IN VITAMIN A. THE A STANDS FOR ANNIHILATION.
Orson: Who else am I supposed to pick here?
COTG: TAKE TENNESSEE OVER OLE MISS. THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE NEW MADRID FAULT IS LOOKING OVERDUE FOR A GOOD SOLID SHAKING.
Orson: And?
COTG: TESTINESS! ARIZONA OVER CAL BECAUSE I AM BUILDING MIKE STOOPS' HOPES ONLY TO CRUSH THEM MOMENTARILY, UTAH OVER TCU BECAUSE I SAID SO, AND OHIO STATE OVER IOWA BUT NOT BY MUCH BECAUSE I HAVE CURSED THE BIG TEN FOR THREE SCORE YEARS WITH AN OPTION FOR TEN MORE IF I CALL MY LAWYERS AND TELL THEM TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Orson: What did they do?
COTG: GARY BARNETT KNOWS WHAT HE DID.
Orson: Figures it would be him.
COTG: YES. I HEAR SCALES AND SMELL FISHY BRIMSTONE. THAT MEANS EYEBALL-DICK IS DRAGGIN HIMSELF IN HERE. MY SCHVITZ IS RUINED YET AGAIN BY THE OLD ONES.
Orson: I'm still not going to bet on South Carolina, even with our offense being as mediocre as it's been.
COTG: VERY WELL. SAY HELLO TO MEL FROM GILEAD FOR ME.
[SMITES Orson. Again.]