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CURIOUS INDEX, 10/29/09

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You Can Write the Checks, But You Cannot Own It. Purdue students have started a cheer that goes "1..2...3...4...FIRST DOWN, BITCH!"

An excellent cheer by any standards but the most prudish, who happen to go to Purdue games and have their tender ears sullied by a second-grade profanity.

However, we sold our tickets to the other games because I will not subject my children to the students’ behavior. The football games are not about you the students. It is about tradition, alumni support, John Purdue club members and the players on the field. The team can play without you, the Purdue University student.

No, it's really not. First, the players on the field are students, too, giving you a bit of a Venn Diagram problem by definition. (And you call yourself an engineer.) Second, the student section is the lifeblood of any and all collegiate environment, and at times they tend to be profane because filthy words feel particularly satisfying on the taste buds of 20 year olds. Without them, Purdue football would be even more lifeless than it currently is. Third, you are likely the kind of person who greatly enjoys being offended and writing letters about your indignance and how you are just trying to protect your children. There are songs for you that people sing in many languages. Fourth, you are likely more irritated at turning your head to hear your name called every time Purdue gets a first down, but you will likely have to get used to it.

(Also, you really shouldn't celebrate first downs too much. They're the least you should expect.) (Then again, it's Purdue.) (So maybe they should.)

Dez Bryant, Done. Tim Griffin thinks Bryant's gone, and he should be lest he wait for a year just to have the privilege of playing unpaid ball for another year. He's baffled as to how Bryant isn't playing while LeGarrette Blount is, but Tim Griffin should shut his mouth before Blount shows up at his door and makes him since the NCAA does have rules about lying to investigators, but has no restrictions about LeGarrette Blount's unending war against bitches and their running mouths. #dontmouthofftoLeGarretteBlountokaydontevenlookathim

The County Assessor Will Be Working Door-to-Door Saturday. In the middle of a "blah blah focused" practice report, the actual useful information: Brandon Spikes will play on Saturday, snapping necks and doing things like Michael Ironside would: icily. His groin is looking good-to-go, and if typing that makes us gay, then pass us the keys to the dog bakery and mix us a Cosmo.

Do you ever feel like you're being punished? Corn Nation does and should. The vignette about going to the doctor during the season should ring true. We have told our doctor the same thing. "You look like you've gained weight." "I'm drinking heavily because it's football season, Doc." "You shouldn't." [MOMENT OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT THAT WE BOTH KNOW THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN] "So, your blood pressure looks fine."

Success! In the form of shoulder surgery, but in a disastrous 2009, Sam Bradford will take it.