The Ole Miss lockerroom in Columbia, SC, Thursday, September 24th just prior to kickoff. There is the sound of a church organ humming from an indistinct spot somewhere in the locker room.
HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies.
Count Giggity: GIGGITAH, REBELS!!!
Rebels team: GIGGITAH!!!!
Count Giggity: MY CHILDREN WHAT A BLOTARKUS BANGFANGLED GAME WE HAVE IN FRONT OF US!!! GIGGITAH!!!
Rebels tea: GIGGITAH!!!
Jevan Snead leans over to Dexter McCluster.
Snead: Any idea what that means yet?
McCluster: No. I don't understand a word this magnificent, addled genius ever says.
Snead: Let's play along just to humor him. One never knows how it goes with these charismatic maniacal types. A simple...how does he say it? Giggitah? Right, let's give it a shot. [turns to Nutt] GIGGITAH!!!
Nutt: THAT"S RIGHT JEVAN!!! GIGGITY!!!!
Dexter: Quite nice, Mr. Snead. The madman seems to have enjoyed your exclamation!
Snead: Why, yes, he's excitable, to say the least. Let's watch and see what he does.
Flash to the South Carolina locker room. Coaches are huddled around Spurrier's closed office door.
Spurrier: No.
Coaches: Please come out, coach. We can't go out there without you. You're still the head coach.
Spurrier: Not of this bunch of losers, I'm not. I'm calling ESPN right now. Tuberville's on there now, and he's like some cut-rate spray-tanner version of me. Get my agent. I've had it with this shit.
Coaches: [quietly]
You're the best,
Steve's the best,
Off the tee, or on the field,
Steve's the best there's ever been.
Spurrier: [pauses.] Louder, please.
Coaches: [in unison]
Callin' plays, or chippin' in,
Steve's the best that's ever been,
Table tennis, golf or sex,
Spurrier is full of win.
Spurrier: Louder, please.
Meanwhile, in the Ole Miss locker room.
Jevan Snead: Is he just staring at us?
Dexter McCluster: Yup. Has been for four minutes. I'm timing it. Every now and then he just says "Mesmerise" really loudly, but mispronounces it.
Houston Nutt: SMESMERIZE!!!!
Dexter McCluster: Like that. I mean, this fellow doesn't think we will fall prey to such vaudevillian bunk, will he? Mesemerism was clearly proven to be a fraud by--
Dexter: Jevan, I say, you haven't--
Jevan Snead: [SMEZMERIZED; stares ahead blankly and confidently.]
Dexter: Oh, dear.
Back in the South Carolina locker room...
Spurrier: One more verse, and I'm comin' out. But you gotta sing it like you mean it. I'm not comin' out otherwise.
Coaches: [singing]
Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
We won't talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.
Spurrier: Show 'em the picture. Don't I look good on that bike? TELL ME I LOOK GOOD ON THE BIKE, DAMMIT.
Stephen Garcia: You look tight on the bike, brah.
Coaches in unison: "Yes." "Striking." "The very picture of health." "Quite the sportsman!"
Spurrier: I don't believe you! I'm staying in here. Y'all go embarrass yourselves. I'm staying in here with Tiger Woods golf. He never lies to me...unlike some people I know.
Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.
Nutt: TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! GIGGITY! TO THE FRONT! TO THE BUTT! LESSGO REBELS!!!!
Dexter McCluster: I remain confused by what this man does as a coach.
Jevan Snead: Me, too. It works, though.
Dexter: True. Let's participate blindly and enthusiastically. This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.
Jevan: Quite. As the madman says: GIGGITY.
Dexter: And a GIGGITAH to you, sir.
Jevan: GIGGITY!!!
Dexter: My, this is getting fun. After you, sir.
Jevan: Yes, after you, my little Wildcat.
They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.
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