The Ole Miss lockerroom in Columbia, SC, Thursday, September 24th just prior to kickoff. There is the sound of a church organ humming from an indistinct spot somewhere in the locker room.
HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies.
Count Giggity: GIGGITAH, REBELS!!!
Rebels team: GIGGITAH!!!!
Count Giggity: MY CHILDREN WHAT A BLOTARKUS BANGFANGLED GAME WE HAVE IN FRONT OF US!!! GIGGITAH!!!
Rebels tea: GIGGITAH!!!
Jevan Snead leans over to Dexter McCluster.
Snead: Any idea what that means yet?
McCluster: No. I don't understand a word this magnificent, addled genius ever says.
Snead: Let's play along just to humor him. One never knows how it goes with these charismatic maniacal types. A simple...how does he say it? Giggitah? Right, let's give it a shot. [turns to Nutt] GIGGITAH!!!
Nutt: THAT"S RIGHT JEVAN!!! GIGGITY!!!!
Dexter: Quite nice, Mr. Snead. The madman seems to have enjoyed your exclamation!
Snead: Why, yes, he's excitable, to say the least. Let's watch and see what he does.
Flash to the South Carolina locker room. Coaches are huddled around Spurrier's closed office door.
Coaches: Please come out, coach. We can't go out there without you. You're still the head coach.
Spurrier: Not of this bunch of losers, I'm not. I'm calling ESPN right now. Tuberville's on there now, and he's like some cut-rate spray-tanner version of me. Get my agent. I've had it with this shit.
You're the best,
Steve's the best,
Off the tee, or on the field,
Steve's the best there's ever been.
Spurrier: [pauses.] Louder, please.
Coaches: [in unison]
Callin' plays, or chippin' in,
Steve's the best that's ever been,
Table tennis, golf or sex,
Spurrier is full of win.
Spurrier: Louder, please.
Meanwhile, in the Ole Miss locker room.
Jevan Snead: Is he just staring at us?
Dexter McCluster: Yup. Has been for four minutes. I'm timing it. Every now and then he just says "Mesmerise" really loudly, but mispronounces it.
Houston Nutt: SMESMERIZE!!!!
Dexter McCluster: Like that. I mean, this fellow doesn't think we will fall prey to such vaudevillian bunk, will he? Mesemerism was clearly proven to be a fraud by--
Dexter: Jevan, I say, you haven't--
Jevan Snead: [SMEZMERIZED; stares ahead blankly and confidently.]
Dexter: Oh, dear.
Back in the South Carolina locker room...
Spurrier: One more verse, and I'm comin' out. But you gotta sing it like you mean it. I'm not comin' out otherwise.
Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
We won't talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.
Spurrier: Show 'em the picture. Don't I look good on that bike? TELL ME I LOOK GOOD ON THE BIKE, DAMMIT.
Stephen Garcia: You look tight on the bike, brah.
Coaches in unison: "Yes." "Striking." "The very picture of health." "Quite the sportsman!"
Spurrier: I don't believe you! I'm staying in here. Y'all go embarrass yourselves. I'm staying in here with Tiger Woods golf. He never lies to me...unlike some people I know.
Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.
Nutt: TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! GIGGITY! TO THE FRONT! TO THE BUTT! LESSGO REBELS!!!!
Dexter McCluster: I remain confused by what this man does as a coach.
Jevan Snead: Me, too. It works, though.
Dexter: True. Let's participate blindly and enthusiastically. This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.
Jevan: Quite. As the madman says: GIGGITY.
Dexter: And a GIGGITAH to you, sir.
Dexter: My, this is getting fun. After you, sir.
Jevan: Yes, after you, my little Wildcat.
They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.