Lane Kiffin sometimes goes on runs before games. He claims he gets lost...or does he go somewhere else entirely? (Around the 10:00 mark)
KIFFIN jogs down a wooded Tennessee lane in the morning mist.
Kiffin: I got that boom boom wow/ tan checks and plaid turnstiles/ I'm coaching them up wow/ boom boom boom boom boom how...boom boom BOOOOOOOM...
KIFFIN notices he is lost.
Kiffin: Uh-oh. This looks as unfamiliar to me as
A bright light explodes from the sky above him. A charismatic man with flowing hair appears above him. The smell of Stetson cologne and cigarettes is overpowering and intoxicating.
Kiffin: The ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Hello, Lane Kiffin. You have journeyed far today to a magical place beyond your understanding.
Kiffin: But there's a Stuckey's right behind us.
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Those pecan logs are as far from you now as the moons of Uranus.
Kiffin: [giggles]
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: [sighs, shakes head.] You must now come to the place you have been chosen to see. It is a magical place, filled with enchantment, mystery, and music.
Kiffin: Ooh, Branson!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: No, Lane. I present to you the magical village of...PRIG-A-DOON!!!
Kiffin: Wait...how'd I get this skirt on? And why am I dancing? Are we undefeated?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Yes, you are. You beat UCLA last week. Tennessee is undefeated. You're going in at even money against Florida. You just got a particularly talented fifth grader with sweet dodgeball skills to commit seven years ahead of time. Ed Orgeron doesn't urinate on your desk to mark his territory every morning. In short, Lane Kiffin, life is perfect here in Prig-a-doon, all the time, every day.
Kiffin: So I can act like a total clueless dick, and it will still work no matter what I do?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Yes, Lane. In Prig-a-doon, everything you do works.
Kiffin: Hey, high school coach? Gimme your recruits, you backwater dickneck who doesn't understand my impressive credentials?
High school coach with coveted recruits: Sure! I'll throw in my wife for free!
Kiffin: Dad, wake up! Tell me I got here on my own merits!
Monte Kiffin: [/stirs from nap] Failing with the Raiders is like succeeding as a retirement home pickpocket, son. Either way you're robbing a sick old man for money. Oh, and you deserve everything you have, and your relentless networking and family connections had nothing to do with your otherwise inexplicable rise to becoming the head coach of a major program. [/falls back asleep]
Kiffin: Ed, get me a cup of coffee!
Ed Orgeron: PUTTA DA CREMEINDERE JUSSALIKEA YOULIKEIT. WIFFATWOSPLENDAFORMAHBOSS!!!
Kiffin: Wow, Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze! Everything IS perfect in Prig-a-doon! What about Jonathan Crompton? Is that him over there playing horseshoes?
Jonathan Crompton, dressed in barmaid's outfit with lace up bustier and wig: Hey, coach! Watch!
Crompton winds up and throws three horseshoes in succession hitting a small girl in the face, breaking a window twenty feet to the right, and fumblng the last out of his hand before completing his throw.
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: There are some things not even the most fantastic fantasy can fix, Lane.
Kiffin: That's okay. Say, when can I come back here?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: Everytime you win a game, Lane Kiffin, the magical village of Prig-a-doon will appear in the woods behind this Stuckey's. Then you may enter and feast and dance to your heart's content.
Kiffin: Wow, so I can come here every weekend, then!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: We have you scheduled for four visits this year not counting the Ohio game, and most definitely not after this weekend. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ramble on, Lane Kiffin.
Kiffin: Hey, Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze, pain don't hurt, right? Unless it's the pain of having multiple inoperable tumors, right?
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: You're gonna have to leave now.
Lane: But I'm having a good time!
Ghost of Road House Patrick Swayze: You're too stupid to have a good time.
GHOST OF ROAD HOUSE PATRICK SWAYZE roundhouse kicks LANE KIFFIN into Stuckey's parking lot and out of Prig-a-doon.
FIN
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