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A darkened office in Columbia, Missouri. Gary Pinkel works slowly through a film series from the morning's practices. A knock comes at the door.

Pinkel: Come in.

Assistant: Coach, we got a request to list five preseason Heisman candidates from USAToday. Want me to do it? I mean, assistants fill this kind of stuff out all the time, and that never goes--

Pinkel: No. Better let me just tell you. Ready?

Assistant: Sure. Fire away.

Pinkel: Tebow, Bradford, McCoy, um...and I'm kind of stuck after that.

Assistant: Me, too. I mean, besides them, who really is there out there that can...



Pinkel: Dammit, we just had that wall replaced, Mark.

Marky M: Your walls so flimsy, knock 'em down with my dick
Get my wrecking balls swinging, show you bitches a trick
We David Copperfield clockin', my disappearin' is sick
Chase Daniel, Claudia Schiffer, yeah they both on my stick

Got my tat in their mouths, cause they lovin' the M
My foie gras lovin' got em throwing the trim
The nonstop cash, pimp cup filled to the brim
Spreadin honey's like I'm magic, pointin "SIM SALA BIM!!!"

T-Rees on the mike
And the game is so like
A mad panther on the prowl
Cougars ready to strike

In the club he throwin' dollars
Ladies ready to holla
Smackin chunky asses
From Lawrence to Walla Walla

American dreamboat
Slam a bitch like Ricky Steamboat
If you lucky girl he give you
That Todd Reesing cream-coat


Got that flag jacket pimpin'
Cause he reppin' his nation
Got that puppy in his hands
Cause he like the sensation

If you a bitch, don't put T-Rees in on your ballot
If you a bitch, line up an' toss the Marky's salad
If you a bitch, then you hatin' on this KU pimpin'
Your game limp and wavy, like you been through some crimpin'

Heisman flossin', KU glossin', we about the Heisman
T-Rees gonna win it in front of your eyes, man
Snatch your chain and your wallet, straight takin' your ice man
Leave you dazed and retarded like your name was Joe Theismann

Snap a leg if you thinkin
The M gone be drinkin'
Heisman Kool-Aid wif no T-Rees
Be a Heisman that stinkin'

And the Jayhawks ain't droppin'
Ain't the ones to retire
Our game will never drop
Like a pass to Kerry Meier--WHAAAAAT!!!!

Yeah, I see you.

Let's make it rain on this lawyaz, T-Rees.

I see you readin' the Economist, T-Rees. Respect to the knowledge. Bagehot is in the building! GIVE IT UP FOR MOTHERFUCKING BAGEHOT.

Still hungry Big 12. I'm bringin' the wetnaps this team, cause THE M STAYS CLEAN.


[They exit.]

Pinkel: Call the repairman. Again.

Assistant: Yessir.