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HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

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The following is Howard Schellenberger's unrevised, unedited top 25 ballot as submitted to the coaches' poll.

1. SMU. Just an unstoppable program. My pick for the 32nd year in a row.

2. Okinawa. Always liked the place, especially when I was setting it on fire with a flamethrower. Great seafood, too.

3. Margette, my mail lady. Shapely calves. Hate to see you leave, but I do love to watch you go.

4. Pedicures. What?

5. Merle Haggard. That young man has potential if he can just stay out of the pokey for a spell.

6. Condensed milk, straight from the can. Breakfast of champions.

7. Turfman's Leisuretime Scotch. The only scotch approved by the Biplane Owners' Association of America for consumption during open cockpit flight, Turfman's takes the edge off of even the bumpiest ride. Pregnant mothers should use only in moderation.

8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a "30 yard line"?

9. Kenny's Surf and Turf on A1A. Thanks for dropping the charges, Kenny.

10. Shalimar. Nothing else smells like a woman. Unless it's Ann-Margret in a chainmail bustier.

11. Clarified butter. I just can't stop drinking the stuff lately.

12. Ostrich quill pens, for the grocery list and her pleasure.

13. Florida State. Bobby Bowden's really got something going up there.

14. Graven idols.

15. The confident sheen and holding power of Turfman's Pomade, Part of the Turfman line of Products for Men. It's the hint of Turfman's Leisure Scotch that makes you want to try eating it.

16. Mermaids. They've always been good to me. Manatees, too, but they don't put out as easily.

17. The LA Rams. Whatever happened to those sonsaguns?

18. The Mandrell Sisters. It's so hard for me to pick one. I'll just have to take 'em all!

19. A nice frilly parasol on a hot summer's day. A man said something to me once about it. That man died.

20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone's got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can't all be Owl-tough.

21. Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy's got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.

22. Sneezing. A cheap, natural high if I've ever found one.

23. My boat, the Battle of the Imjin River.

24. Feral cats. Hunting 'em's half the fun I ever have anymore.

25. Florida Atlantic University Owls.