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CURIOUS INDEX, 8/17/2009

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The 9:00 a.m version was eaten by wordpress. Die, WordPress, Die, and apologies for the delays.

TIM BRANDO HAS SPOKEN. Don't bother going through with it: the season, playing games. Tim Brando hath foreseen it, like Final Destination. First it is the tire flying out of the stands onto Sherman, and then the stray piece of highway debris flying through the windshield and into Al Groh's skull, and then the escalator eating up Bill Stewart like a woodchipper in glorious 3-D.

Tim Brando didn't ask for these powers, he just bellows them at 145 decibels because he has to.

We weren't aware he had his guard up. The "behind the scenes" Tebow sounds exactly like the "in front of the scenes" Tebow, actually. Meanwhile, in actual footballish Florida news, Steve Addazio will call plays from the sidelines, which means Florida fans can now complain about playcalling in person instead of vaguely aiming profanities at the booth.

Points for honesty, at least. Jameel Sewell, suspended for the season last year by Al Groh, divulges his unique motivation for missing class and schoolwork: laziness, yo.

When Jameel Sewell was asked if there's a technical way to explain why he sat out the 2008 season for the University of Virginia football team, he didn't mince words.

"Laziness," the quarterback said matter-of-factly at the Cavaliers' media day yesterday. "You can't fake the funk but for so long."

The exact scientific length one can fake the funk? 3 minutes and 39 seconds, to be precise. That's longer than Pete Lalich could fake it, which is one of the many reasons Sewell is back at UVA to help Virginia through another season of football so exciting it will make you say "MEH!!!" Try typing "Meh" with exclamation points behind it sometime: it feels better than you think especially when you point it in Al Groh's direction.

Anyway, his slacker days are over, meaning he's not going to rely on another hopeless internet startup to save him, is putting away his Sebadoh records, sold the Douglas Coupland paperbacks, and is considering becoming a pescatarian, because this vegan shit is getting ooooooold, and the farts are overpowering anyway.

"Dat's why he took the job with Al Davis." Ragin' Cajun theater returns at the Godfrey Show. If you ever wondered why a spontaneous cartoon generation program would have a costume option featuring a butcher's apron covered in blood, the answer is obvious: for Ed Orgeron, of course.

So fresh and so clean. Duke leads the nation in antiseptic, and plans on continuing the trend of avoiding the swine flu by avoiding nasty, potentially contagious contact with opposing offenses by just, you know, letting them and the nasty germs they have play on through.