Steve Kragthorpe and Rick Pitino approach the door of a football recruit.
Kragthorpe: I'm nervous about this.
Pitino: Nah, Krags. Don't worry. Everyone needs some professional development time. I know how recruiting is. So what we're gonna do, again: I'll walk in, show you my recruiting pitch, and then you'll try the same.
Kragthorpe: Okay, okay. Hey, where's the doorbell?
Pitino: It's that shiny button there. You like shiny buttons, right?
Kragthorpe: Oh, you betcha.
Kragthorpe lays on the doorbell for ten whole seconds. An irritated mother approaches the door.
Pitino: Thanks for having us at your home, ma'am. Is Javon around? We'd like to talk to both of you.
Mother: Why, certainly coach. That is a nice suit you have on. [/flirts, bats eyes.] Let me get Javon.
Javon enters. They all sit at coffee table.
Pitino: [/in stage whisper to Kragthorpe] Watch, and learn.
Pitino: And take off your baseball cap. You look like a farmer.
Kragthorpe. [/takes off cap]
Pitino: Nice to meet you, Javon. I'm here to show you that when you commit to Louisville, which I know you're going to do, you commit to the whole family, me included. Now, your mother loves you very much. And I know you love her and want her to be happy. I know of two things that would make her happier than she's ever been, Javon.
Javon: Yeah. That's true. What are those two things?
Pitino: You with a college education and a shot at the NBA, and me laying her right down on that couch over there and taking her to the Italian Derby for the ride of her life.
Kragthorpe is floored, and stares around the room. Javon, Pitino, and Mother all seem composed and unmoved.
Pitino: See that coffee table over there? now imagine your mother bent over that with her panties at her ankles Imagine how happy she'll be. You want your mother to be happy, don't you? Let me make her happy for you. Just sign here, Javon, and we'll be halfway there. The rest is up to me, your mother, and the bottle of fine Prosecco I have chilling in a Styrofoam cooler in the car.
Javon: I dunno, coach. That's a big deal, signing with a school. I'll have to think about it.
Pitino: Of course it is. I want you to be serious about this, because we at Louisville are serious about you. I'd be happy to help with this brochure from our admissions office, this detailed portfolio showing the accomplishments of our football program, and these written accounts of my prowess in making rough, sweet love to the women of the world. Apologies--are you more of a visual learner, Tommy? Because I have some pictures over here in my attache case that might interest you.
Mother: They interest me, actually--
He stands, and takes a manila folder from his valise.
Pitino: Look at the leverage I've got on Delonte's mom in this shot. That's the good stuff right there.
Mother: Well, it certainly is.
Pitino: Ask Tony Delk's mother. I took her out for a nice meal at Antonelli's. She'd never had carpaccio before. Loved it. Delk went on to become one of the best players in Kentucky history. Mrs. Delk and I ended up against a dumpster in the alley. In the end we all got what they wanted most, Tony. Especially Mrs. Delk, if you follow my drift.
Javon and Mother are hypnotized.
Javon: That does sound good. Yes. I will commit to Coach Pitino and Louisville.
Mother: Yes. This all sounds like a good idea.
Pitino turns to Kragthorpe.
Pitino: Go ahead, try it. You can do it. Trust me.
Kragthorpe: I dunno, that looked hard. Plus you said you wanted to fuck the kid's mom. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
Pitino: Nonsense. You've got this. Go ahead. Cake, son. Cake.
Kragthorpe: Javon. I want you to come to Louisville. And I...
Kragthorpe pauses, and looks up at Pitino. Pitino urges him forward.
Kragthorpe: ...I wanna do it with your mom, too.
Mother: AW, HELL NAW!!!
Javon: Fuck you, man! What the fuck is that?
Kragthorpe: I was--it's just that when he said it, and--I...
Javon: YOU DO NOT SAY THAT SHIT! YOU JUST DON'T!!!
Kragthorpe: (gamely attempts to regroup) But I want to touch her breasts. They'll feel like...breasts.
Pitino: Seriously, Krags, you crossed a line there. I'm sorry, Javon.
Kragthorpe: Does your mother like foreplay? Because there are some things I don't do.
Mother: If you don't leave my house, I'm going to shoot you.
Kragthorpe: I will, however, shave your mother's..um...hoo-ha. That's something we can all enjoy, yes?
Javon and mother throw the pair out of the house.
Pitino: I don't know what you were doing in there, Krags.
Kragthorpe: I was just saying the same thing you were saying!
Pitino: No, no, no. It wasn't the same at all.
Kragthorpe: I mean...does that work on everyone? You just walk in there, do it, and leave? Does that work every time?
Pitino: (sighs) Almost always Krags. Almost.
(A joint production with Unsilent Majority.)