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F$#@ Sooners, get money. Packing two of the last three national-title trophies and gunning for another one in '09, Urban Meyer is getting a raise that will jack his salary up to an even $4 million a year, meaning that not only Urban but entire future generations of Meyers will be makin' it rain for the indeterminate future. Before you ask, yes, Les Miles has a clause in his contract that entitles him to make at least $1,000 more than any other conference coach, but apparently it only kicks in if Miles wins the national title this year -- thereby saving LSU from having to give The Hat a quarter-million-dollar raise for going 3-5 in the SEC last season. (See, if they just gave Les the highest salary in the conference, they'd only be spoiling him; this way, he learns the value of money.)

You know how to start a car, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow. West Virginia wide receiver Jock Sanders, last seen propping up an unusually weak Fulmer Cup effort by the Mountaineers with a DUI charge, may be able to bring an end to his indefinite suspension from the team if he "handles a series of requirements." This includes completing an alcohol-awareness course, speaking with high-school groups about the dangers of DUI, and our favorite, having a "test lock" device installed in his car that will basically require him to breathalyze himself and prove he's sober before he can start his vehicle. This is probably gonna sound weird, but I've always wanted to try one of those things -- though my gadgetary curiosity here is of the singular ride a Segway/use an ejection seat/get Tasered variety that involves trying it once just to see what it's like and then never, ever having to do it again.

Cue the "It's not your fault" scene from "Good Will Hunting." Louisville running back Bilal Powell is trying to put his fumble in last year's game against Kentucky behind him and look ahead to 2009. Is it just us, or does it seem like he's taking it a bit too hard? His fumble accounted for only a fifth of UL's turnovers in that game. Trust me, Bilal, there's more than enough blame to go around for the FAILsplosion that was Louisville's 2008 campaign, and they'll be coming after Steve Kragthorpe with torches and pitchforks long before they get around to you.

I don't know the guy, but I've got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured . . . Elsewhere in the Big East, Syracuse head coach Doug Marrone, charged with cleaning up the HAZMAT spill that is the Orange's football program post-Greg Robinson, says he's "been hearing good things" about the progress made by former Duke basketball player and not-ever college football player Greg Paulus, who allegedly is still in the running for SU's starting-QB job, in summer conditioning. Be that as it may, signing Paulus period still strikes us as the kind of decision that will be very much in the running for inclusion in a Bad Idea Jeans commercial by the end of the season.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed GERG is king. Speaking of Robinson, the situation at Michigan is apparently so dire that the addition of Gerg as defensive coordinator is being seen as one of the team's biggest bright spots heading into 2009. (Yes, we know Robinson was an exemplary D-coordinator with both the Longhorns and the Denver Broncos. But a 3-25 Big East record is the kind of failstank that wouldn't be quickly forgotten even if he'd only been hired as the night manager at a 7-Eleven.)

What, by playing them within 30 points? Late entry in the race for saddest quote of the offseason: Washington State coach Paul Wulff's insistence that his Cougars "have the opportunity to surprise some teams" this year. I'd like to believe that, Paul, I really would, but I'd also like to believe that Lacey Stockbauer is going to end up with two tickets to this year's Texas-Oklahoma game and offer me her extra one. In other words: na ga happen.