Happy July. Violence is a food, a vitamin, and an essential part of your nutritious breakfast.
Um, sure. I'll just wait around here for that. Maryland officials are saying they'll never pay the million dollars they would owe offensive coordinator James Franklin if Ralph Friedgen does not step down by the 2012 season, something Friedgen is hinting he may not do if Maryland continues to do well enough under his supervision. Officials are not saying this in a bad way, mind you, and that it will all work out in the end, as Franklin has been offered spots at Iowa State and on Raheem Morris' staff in Tampa Bay, and could leave for his own head coaching gig before '12, and that we're all buddy/buddy and it will work out somehow. Kansas State recommends you fire Friedgen, but keep everyone happy by paying delayed secret kickbacks doled out evenly across the concerned parties' bank accounts. Worked for them, or some of them, at least.
Arkansas Loses Battle. Khiry Battle, arrested over the weekend for DUI, is off the Arkansas football team, since Bobby Petrino takes no mess (unless you're the appointed starting quarterback for the year, and then we're aces high, baby.) Urban Meyer described the punishment as harsh.
Woody Hayes Will Drag You to Hell For That. Whenever we imagine dead Woody Hayes, we always see him in Hell, baking comfortably in shorts and a short sleeve shirt with a tie, sipping a beer and shaking his fist angrily at something. We see this not because Woody was evil, but because Heaven was just too pussified and didn't have enough contact sports for Woody's eternal tastes. He's shaking his fist at this this morning, and swears he's gonna get up to the fifth circle service desk and file a request for a day pass to Earth just to kick this punk's ass.
He ate the GPS, because it looked like a flattened jellybean. Andre Smith needs...something, man.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/1/2009