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Upgrade Spectacular Asshole Status. Ladies and gentlemen: Jim Delany, as seen below, broadcasting his estimate of the President's understanding of the BCS:

Someday, people will just put up a picture of Jim Delany and assume the same thing.

The president initially voiced his wish for a football playoff last fall while campaigning and has remained an advocate. "He probably has an interest as a fan," Delany said. "He's a scholar and a lawyer and a great politician, but I don't think he really understands the complexity of the issue."

Because it's reeeeeeeally complex, Jim. No way could even the most casual observer figure out the complex math involved in keeping your money in your pots. That kind of understanding ANALYSIS BROKEN GOD YOU'RE SUCH A TOTAL DICK.

But they're talking, baby! Tennessee reports another secondary violation after a high school recruit was mentioned by name on Lane Kiffin's Twitter feed. This should be replaced by a blanket app the Tennessee program just sends in every year: a signed glossy 8 x 10 of Lane Kiffin with "This coupon good for four secondary violations this year." Then again, that might be redundant.

Downgrade Dickhead Status Two Degrees. Cable package tribulation/ Need football negotiation/Last year had to watch online/ This year it will be just fine/ ESPN U is standard/ No longer package gerrymandered/want your cable a la carte/ too bad here's media Wal-Mart/it's spelled C-O-M-C-A-S-T.

What's a bit of graft between friends? Anthone Lott and Fred Weary were defensive backfield stalwarts on the '96 title game. (Fred Weary lingers in our mind especially for his fearsome smoking habit, something he maintained throughout his career as a starter at Florida. He smoked like a Russian gangster.) Lott is now accused of stealing a shit ton of money from Weary in a construction deal, and will be wearing the stylish Celtic-themed uniforms of the Alachua County Jail for the moment. That
life skills seminar would have helped, especially the "don't steal money attached to a major bank loan," because they tend to notice those things.

Perhaps it's the Red Bull and Jerky. Ed Orgeron did not make this list, and Bruce would know whether to put him on there, having spent a year breathing the exhaust from the Orgeron's Red Bull-fueled motor in person. The discovery that Mario Cristobal is capable of busting your ass in an MMA match means that FIU now leads our draft board for "most dangerous coach/player" combo with A'Mod Ned as the player half of the duo.