CURIOUS INDEX, 5/11/2009

AY IZZA HAFFA NUFF A BOFUFF UZZ. As children of the 1990s, most of Pearl Jam's catalog sits calcified in the death-loop of repeated classic rock playing constantly on now fewer than two stations in every mid-major sized market in the United States. We don't even really hear it when anyone turns it on anymore--except the shit they never play, like "Hail, Hail," which is very, very stuck in our heads this morning.

Wail, wail. Georgia Bulldogs TE Bruce Figgins (six games) and DE Justin Houston (two games) have been suspended for unspecified violations of team rules. Houston's seems far less interesting than than Figgins, as half the season is quite a wrist slap, i.e. one that goes for the wrist but takes a left turn, hits the face, and than slaps the testicles before roundhouse kicking the offender to finish. (Un-BowdenMeyer-esque in the extreme.) Blutarsky points out that the suspensions and the medical disqualification of receiver Tony Wilson leave the Bulldogs extremely thin at receiver for the first half of the season, leaving incoming freshmen like Orson "Orson" Charles to pick up the slack.

In the meantime, our researches on precisely what got Figgins the massive six-game suspension lead us to this, which has nothing to do with football, but is extremely entertaining nonetheless.

Indecent, female, assault: Word order is so important. Get involved in an incident where a woman makes an indecent assault on a man in the right place, and it becomes the sort of story you trot out at your drunkest moments of sexual braggadocio. (Much like the time in our pre-married life when a woman CALLED US BACK ON THE TELEPHONE. It was phenomenal, and we'll have to tell you about it sometime after four wine coolers.)

Get involved with a woman in an indecent assault on her on a public bus, though, and it's the kind of thing you don't want to tell other people about, and indeed may face misdemeanor criminal charges over, especially if you're a Pitt football player. Points to be assessed later in a Fulmer Cupdate.

But are you counting the left-handed and morbidly obese? Who says minorities are underrepresented in college football? You're just using too narrow a rubric for evaluating what "minority" means: after all, if you count the recent additions of Bill Snyder and Frank Spaziani as hiring the elderly and the addition of Lane Kiffin as employing those with personality disorders, then college football is doing quite well across the board. (Add in those with metabolic disorders, and it's as diverse as a PC-era grammar text book.)

Wishes I could choke all of you bastards in 140 characters or less. It would be entertaining, but still: watching a man having a heart attack in public is only funny for the first two seconds or so. (Trust us.)

Umm...thanks? Yes, thanks. LSU fans five months before the LSU/Florida game. (Please note: email received at 7:20 a.m. on Saturday morning.)

I'm too drunk to remember why I was typing you. (On my blackberry),
you should sponsor me. That is the story of why we beat Fla. This
year.

I'm already drinking gin. And I think I spelled that well for an LSU
fan who has drank all the gin (sorry Holly, as you are).

I don't know what I'm typing for but Texas sucks. And that "X" is ver
hard to find after Hendrick's Gin.

Suspiciously fee or suspiciously full of typos,

Kindest Regards,

Simpsons Reference.

As always, we're both scared and aroused by you, LSU fans. Come closer. Yes, that's a pistol in our pants. We're not being coy: that really is a pistol, and we're going to wear it the whole time no matter what happens tonight. Don't lie: you like it, you dirty bitches.