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CURIOUS INDEX, 4/21/2009

Excellent use of the caption function. We will never, ever tire of watching Eric Berry hit someone sideways--though if this video does remind us of anything, it's that Jahvid Best hydrates himself very well prior to kickoff, and stays well-hydrated throughout the game unless you knock the Gatorade out of his stomach.

They will also have you spend long hours looking for someone, anyone, to tell you where the door hinges are. Though this is exclusively specious rumor at this point: Home Depot wants to shake up the lineup on the best pregame show on ESPN, replacing the incomparable Chris Fowler, a man who clearly adores college football, with Karl Ravech, and replacing Lee Corso with Lou Holth because they want to get...younger in that department? Need more random HItler references live on-air? This makes no sense, which either makes it total bullshit offseason wall-spackle, or the actual plan minus the detail that Kirk Herbstreit will do the entire show wearing only an orange apron and a fine coat of posing oil.

The man, the myth, the combover. Smart Football leans firmly and convincingly on the notion of Hal Mumme being the most influential coach of the past two decades. Madness, you say? He overstates the case for effect we think, but give Mumme his due: he's equal part retard and genius, someone unafraid to revolutionize an offense while benching his SEC-leading passer in favor of a glorified offensive lineman fond of snack foods and interceptions.

Intensity. Fightin'. Likin' it. Illinois had a couple of scuffles in practice. The good news? Teams that fight in practice tend to be good teams for some reason (see the best Miami teams, for example.) The bad news? [NAME REDACTED] got so stimulated from the experience that he fought his way through a whole frat house with a single waterski after practice. You're likin it. Don't lie.

You can't blame them. Seven Syracuse football players have left the team since Doug Marrone took over at Syracuse. Current data suggests no conclusive results, as absolute zero minus seven is still absolute zero.

CITIZENS: A reminder that the powerful MGObloc has settled behind Iris Macadangdang, and threatens all that Mingovia stands for. Plus, she's a Republican who belongs to Amnesty International. Republican readers: she belongs to Amnesty International! BOOOOOOO. Democrat readers: she writes dictators letters suggesting more efficient ways to torture prisoners! Libertarians: she opposes your right to smoke weed and masturbate with expensive assault rifles!

In all directions she's clearly a danger to all you believe. VOTE MINGO and keep America awesome.