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Forget this Tebow bitch FIND ME THAT MAN!!! We were going to just ignore this video, but then we saw the Windows Movie Maker newspaper header and just knew this was something special.

Until this mysterious individual is found and immediately granted a scholarship and starter's spot on the depth chart Florida will have to make do with Tim Tebow, a marginal quarterback in the process of tweaking his throwing motion and watching as John Brantley, Florida's quarterback of the future, continues to tailgate the flagging qb's starting job. Oh, what could have been had Todd McShay not said his throwing motion resembled "a windmill!" Florida fans, 'til 2010 it is--this season will be but a sad farewell to what could have been.

Only Texas fans shall know your pain. Longhorns fans also await the sad, inevitable disappointment of the once-promising Colt McCoy's final year. McCoy continued his tumble into mediocrity--hastened by his arrest for elephant poaching in his sophomore year--with a mediocre performance in the Longhorns' spring game. How bad? We shudder as we type this, but so bad...they used...THE I-FORMATION ON THE GOAL LINE. What have you done to Texas football, Mr. McCoy? WHAT INDEED, SIRRAH? (They couldn't even play on a regular-sized field, so weak was Mr. McCoy!)

Line for the day: three catches, one arrest. Rod Owens caught three passes in a rare offensive highlight in a defensive-minded spring game for the Florida State Seminoles, and then caught one charge of DUI for driving with a BAC at twice the legal limit with his headlights off in Tally. Fulmer Cup points to be tallied, but we remind you that catching three passes in one game is cause for drunken celebration in the Florida State football program, and that this is deliciously funny. The Seminoles also fumbled six times on the day.

Winning forever and still looking better on 3 hours sleep a night than you ever will. Pete Carroll is excited, Twittering away, and just fine with the ho-hum performances of USC's quarterbacks in their spring scrimmage. His protege Lane Kiffin says the same in response to the same at Tennessee, where the starting offense turned the ball over three times and Jonathan Crompton had one fumble and one interception, a combo we'll just type in shorthand as "The Crompton" from now on. (2 and 2? "The Double Crompton." 2 picks and one fumble? "The Flying Crompton." Two fumbles, no picks? "The Crompton, Neat.")

Bama's spring game=TTHHEE PPAARRTTYY. Nick Saban has sounded the horn of Wallace Wade, and hath let it be known that because Alabama's spring game is going to be on ESPN that the Crimson masses shall assemble in the customary numbers. You will see their immensity, and be simultaneously impressed and sort of frightened all at once.