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I have cancer JUST KIDDING. April Fool's gets off to rip-roaring start with Pete Fiutak's piece on Tim Tebow being considered for a leadership spot in the GOP. That's Pete's slightly plausible present to us all, but only we get things like this from Mark Mangino delivered straight to our personal email.

No idea where coach got the plushy outfit. Hey we didn't get that from Mark Mangino--it's from our Dad! APRIL FOOL'S! You have herpes, and you caught it when you had that extramarital affair you had! ("How'd you know, honey?" "Oh god. I was kidding." APRIL FOOL'S!!!)

That's really his name, and he's dead! Michigan is in the running for a prominent recruit named BUTTFUCK MCGEE!!! That's really his name, we swear! Look, we printed it up on a piece of paper just to show you! Actually, his name is Munchie Legaux. No, we're not kidding. Your car's on fire. We're not kidding about that either. Yes, it's April 1st, but the thing is totally on fire...because we set it on fire! BOOM ROASTED! Happy April 1st! (Via: Tom Dienhart.)

Joe Paterno is dead and you're being arrested......for being too sexy! (Stripper rips off tear-away pants.) The video's out there somewhere, and will surface soon enough: Joe Paterno was pulled off the mike at the Penn State NIT game when he said something to the effect of "Everyone says it's a black man's game, but when I played it was a Jewish game." That's not an April Fool's joke. But this is: we've taken all your office furniture and covered it in BEES! Good luck opening that door--it's locked! HAHAHAHAH!!!

Jonathan Crompton is your starting quarterback! HA! That's not a joke, either, and neither is LWS's Crompton Decision Tree.

I'm pregnant and it's not yours APRIL FOOL'S!!! You're fired! JUST KIDDING. Kathy Bates will play Ed Orgeron in a production of The Blind Side, Michael Lewis' book about Michael Oher. Lewis' next book project will be about someone who does something everyone thinks is crazy, but actually is way smarter than everyone else thanks to an applied economic principle only Lewis and that guy see! JUST KIDDING APRIL FOOL'S!!! No one would buy that more than once!