I've never been so aroused...with hate. Well...here's this.
Let's just all pretend that we didn't just see that, and that we aren't as aroused as we are. We mean: disgusted. (Between this and the Quizno's sub oven talking sexy to us and saying "put it in me, Scott," we've never been so sexually confused in a single week.)
Obvious punnery fails. Minnesota's Sam Maresh practices nine months after getting heart replacement valve surgery. First to obvious heart metaphor in reportage: 3/1, Bob Griese, 7/1 Pam Ward, 15/1 Chris Spielman.
The bank advances you credit for 4,000 yards and 30 TDs. Taylor Potts will likely be the next quarterback for Texas Tech, something no one is concerned about as Potts may have a stronger arm than Graham Harrell, is going to play in the Red Raiders' offense, will throw the ball 600 times a year, was a highly touted recruit coming out of high school, and will function under the gentle but firm mind control of Mike Leach. He will have to face Boom Motherfucker and crew in week three, however: Texas Tech and Texas moved up their November date to September for television purposes, and Potts will have very little time to prepare, limiting his output to 350 yards and 4 TDs.
No, seriously. Stay on for a while, Fridge. James Franklin, the coach-to-be at Maryland, will get one million dollars if he is not named to succeed Ralph Friedgen as head coach. This is less than he would make as coach, of course, but your inner grifter has to like FREE MONEY GIMMEH GIMMEH.
Vol Camino. It's not a Miami-themed King Donk, but for just $7500 you can have your own Cheeto-orange and white Tennessee themed El Camino.
Lane Kiffin thinks your car sucks and if you really want a Tennessee-themed car his dad had one once that he can't show you now but it was awesome and had a spoiler and went faster than your car uh huh it did and it was way better than your car and if you don't believe me then DAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!