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This post sponsored by Publix, who'd be honored to have a football player named after their fine chain of grocery stores.


Football players' names that should exist: Produced in cooperation with the Great Barstoolio.

Clampett Rank

"Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell

Delisharious Sluts Barkin

Publix Euripedes Jelfry

Gas Station Montclair

Anklette Digiorno Jackson

Ford Taurus Explosion

Shrubbery Hopkins

Hobie Ray Jims

Jims Ray Hobie

Slimshot McGonnarray

Prevaricate Anthony Stingrae

Hammer Warren

Wave Nebuchanezzar (sp) Wilson

Peacedonkey Valtrex Murphy

Shelf Roger Petersonskins

51 Cent Evans

Google Hampton

Threepac Davey

Traenavarious Ishus

Hopalong Leggety

Shed McRabbity

Jonas Jonas Jonas

Tarranchulus Berry

Leech L'Avenueshus

Bicycling Treestump

D'D'Deadrick Simmons

Jester Esophagus


Windowblinds Sears

Luc Barnnnnnns

Chicago Asiatic Sainsbury

Lo'Mayne Noodul

Cheyld Model

Perfectivus Flexor

Transporter Williams

Lyon Maine Luxurior

Jump Start Jones

Excalibur Melvin

Book Biinder Librarious

Exeter Nooseman Mooseberry

Mats Kurdpummler

Wilhelm Horsstryker

Wraythe Odyawantu

Telephone Koala

Xerxes McGruff

Liberty Mutuous

Contrariant Snyder

Johnny Birdshot Labrodeau'eax'or

Derek Snoofdgiver

Eaux D'licious

Dade Catgiver

Gater D. Wrestleheimer

Cousin Pregnacious

Zartan D'Litigate

Ozzy Turkoluxe

Markupp Oxenfeed

Jamacious Islander

Chow Chow

D'Tergent Tide

Ho Lo Ho

Agrebeyanu Effendi Rothstein

Tampain Assious

Unikorne Tradewinds

Beastious Elephante (with an accented e)

Saturday Next Weekly

Bizkit Seepage Cromartie

Geechat Wheel

Peptide Wilson

Facebook Holmes

% Rogers (pronounced percentage)

Homey Benz

Evolusia Benson

Roald Chain Samson

Globe Evans

Never Scared Anderson

Statue Of Liberty Nelson

Mandible Hoschauer

Babaghanoush Treereaper

Dirk Dirk Mahoney

Glubnuk Giggety

Ewok Bentley

Jeeves Jeeves

Rajiv Patmanutsak

Pornjib Thaiporn

Little Girl Gerald

Kingly Ransom

Old Testament Turner

Revalations Nook

Federal Hogg

Roger Tableau

Weevil Benders

Pee Pee Beaxjangles

Deeveedee Barnes

Molehill Skerrit

Nash Bridges

Optimator Cranderson

Plains Artshoop

Workable Littleton

Hardmon Hardman

Trayne Tracks

Eissfloe Amundsen

Independence Hall

Dadabase Manson

Javanese Oarman

Picasoh Sanders

Puerto Rico McNally

Ram Page

Church Bell Landiso