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Mornin' everyone. Feelin' good. Lookin' good. You know it. I know it. Charger the Golf Cart of Victory knows it.

Just got a text message from a recruit telling me I'm the sexiest coach. Might be gay. I don't judge. Just likin' the intensity. Get him in the program. Have him pick out some shades. Maybe class up the coaches' uniforms a bit. We need some pizazz. Some action. More lightning bolts on the sleeves.


(Flexes, calls trick play for a turnover on first play of game.)

Likin' the effort. Players goin' all out. Like Josh Brent. Gettin' a DUI. Happens. Got pulled over with suspended license. Why's it suspended? Too busy hittin' the weights. Hang cleanin' hogs at the Ag building. Hang cleanin' every day. Can't file the paperwork because he can't get full extension at all three points pushin' paper. Likin' it.


(Holds press conference with hair on fire. Insists hair is not on fire.)

That's three points in the Fulmer Cup. Competin'. Scorin'. Three is more than two. Take two outta three and you get one. That's Illini math. Winner's math. Take one and divide it one. Guess what you got? That's right. A winner. Every day, dividin' one by one and getting one. Or eighth in the Big Ten. That's one if you divide it by eight, which is really just a bunch a ones all stacked together. We get those sorted out and we'll be good here at Illinoise. Gonna like it. Gonna compete.


(Checks play card, gestures wildly, mismanages clock and allows time to expire on potential game-winning FG attempt.)