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CURIOUS INDEX, 1/22/2009

Because the place is not loud and distracting enough. The University Athletic Association will spend $35,000 to update the Gateway of Champions and hang new banners in the bowels of Florida's Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, but to hell with that shit: WE GETTIN' JUMBOTRONS.

The replay screens at Florida Field are eleven years old, and therefore completely disgusting and poor-looking. They will be replaced with MongoTrons paid for largely with money from the new Fox Sports deal, and in our dreams will project nothing but the flaming eye of Sauron on opponent's 3rd and long possessions.

Eye of Sauron, brought to you by Publix and Yella Wood.

Beneath the gazing evil eye of Sauron/Urban Meyer will be a complete coaching staff, filled out not only with new running backs coach Kenny Carter of Vanderbilt, but also at the TE coach spot with former Syracuse and Wisconsin coach Brian White. White was an offensive coordinator under Barry Alvarez for 11 years, and this is good. He has an MBA from Notre Dame, meaning he can dance! He got a DWI while coaching for Syracuse in 2006 under Greg Robinson, an indication along with his Harvard degree that he is intelligent because only smart animals experience despair, and no other word can describe Syracuse's offense in 2006. You can't blame the man for drinking himself into a state in those circumstances.

Taxation without Representation, Again. Clay Travis would gladly devote his bearded might to rooting for a division one GWU football team, and by the numbers that might be completely feasible proposition. The Washington City Paper points out the District's remarkable productivity for a place of its size in producing BCS recruits, and then mentions how they produce more players of note than football-mad territories like West Virginia. Robert Byrd heard that, sir, and will be settling this dispute with a well-oiled blunderbuss this morrow, sirrah.

Losses, differentiated appropriately. Mysterious HR loss: Chris Dalman, Stanford's offensive line coach, who did something we guarantee you did not notice in leading Stanford to the second best rushing total in the Pac-10 this year (199.6 yards a game,) and who did something you probably don't understand by resigning in the heat of recruiting season yesterday. Hypotheses regarding Dalman's departure range from the possibility of joining the Raiders' coaching staff to Seasonal Affective Disorder, per Scout's boards. We like the latter.

Mysterious and sad human loss: Shane Dronett, Texas Longhorn defensive lineman and NFL veteran, died yesterday of an apparent suicide in Atlanta.

Five more years! Five more years! Air Force signs Troy Calhoun to the five year French presidential term of contracts, paying the 17-9 third year coach $750K a year plus a resplendent goodie bag of benefits and potential bonuses. If you've ever seen Air Force's offense, the contract will be worth the entertainment value alone. On one play in Armed Forces Bowl we counted no less than three fakes, one misdirection, and a pump fake, making for ridiculously fun and safe football viewing for all--with the exception of epileptics, who may seize when exposed to so many diversions on one play.

Faulkner promoted, will endure, prevail. Ball State promotes Faulkner to offensive coordinator, will endure, struggling in the dust, the ancient hateful motes of dust redolent with the frustrated ambitions of his atavistic blood, the dust and the blood that since time immemorial asphyxiated all they knew and strove for in the morning ringing clear with the baying of donkeys left neglected in their shambling pens.