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PETE CARROLL APPROVES OF YOUR DECISION TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE

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Pete Carrol was not wearing his Captain Compassion underwear today at the press conference announcing Mark Sanchez's decision to go pro:

"He's going against the grain on this one. I told him Durex, but he went with Lifestyles. I said Honda, but he went Subaru. I mean, he's going to be fine, except that everyone else who's done this went up in flames except for Mike Vick. Am I saying Mark Sanchez is going to get herpes and start a dogfighting ring? The data's not there to back up that this won't happen to him. Because it will. Those dogs are going to hate you, Mark, for both the beast you'll make them and for the beast you'll make of yourself. You'll be fine, if by fine you mean piling everything you know and love into an incinerator called life and letting the fuel of your ego send it all to hell in a smoldering holocaust of failed expectations and broken dreams. Do me a favor and take your first signing bonus and set it on fire, but no before attaching a post-it note to it reading 'My LIfe, and My Dick.' At the conclusion of this press conference, I want you all to wave to him, because this may be the last time you see him. When he goes to the NFL, they'll sic the wolves on him, and when it happens you'll remember what I said today. I mean literal, rabid, flesh-ripping wolves. Bill Belichick owns forty of them, and each is equipped with a bionic, bulletproof heart and razor-sharp diamond teeth. If you listen in Boston at night you can hear them surrounding Matt Cassel in the cage he sleeps in each night in an unheated warehouse by the docks."

Oh, and C.J. Spiller's coming back. Pete thinks that's just fine.