DEAR GOD THINK OF THE FISH.
Alabama DT Terrance Cody emerged from the water remaining in the river a few seconds later with a 40 pound catfish in his mouth. He's also coming back for next year, meaning it's going to be a bad year for the relationship between centers, guards, and inertia in the SEC West.
Our first three candidates are Thor, Sasquatch, and Bob Stoops. Notre Dame may have contacted Bob Stoops, per your favorite source and French bonne vivante Internette Rumore, in their pre-search for a replacement for Charlie Weis earlier this fall. Stoops failed to respond, as he couldn't find the phone under all those points and uncashed paychecks
(We know groceries, houses, and cars still cost money in Oklahoma, but how in the hell does Stoops spend even half of his $3 million dollar salary in Norman aside from MC Hammer-style building of a house structured around free-flowing fountains of top-shelf cognac?)
Where is 5-7 success? At Iowa State, where Phil Fulmer is interested in the job not per Internette Rumore, but from her rival 846 Pound Talk Show Radio Host. The idea of Fulmer staring out on the empty plains at night makes us...sad. Then again, he would be the league's second tornado-proof immovable coach.
Just remember: Letterman pays your salary. Or not, but we like to think of Dave--who we've been imitating poorly for 32 years now in tandem with Bill Murray--as the Bobby Lowder of Ball State, pulling strings and making prospective employees perform stupid human tricks for cash. There's no evidence of this, but we reject your pitiful reality and substitute our own, and assume the man himself approved the hire of Ball State offensive coordinator Stan Parrish as the new head coach. [/throwspencilatmonitor]
Sad freak news. Cornelius Ingram will not play in the national title game against Oklahoma, and this makes Baby Cthulhu sad, sad, sad. Meyer says he still looks like the "freak" he is, but that three to four months after ACL surgery ain't cutting it for safety re: his NFL prospects. Bye freak. We lub u. Get monee.