We now present the only guide to bowl watching you'll need: every bowl game previewed in just ten words each.
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy, Washington, D.C. RFK Stadium Dec. 20, 11 a.m., ESPN.
Take early "working" lunch! Eat piggishly.Fall asleep on desk.
New Mexico Colorado State vs. Fresno State, Albuquerque University Stadium Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN
It takes ten words to say: "You won't watch this."
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl! Memphis vs. South Florida, St. Petersburg. Fla, Tropicana Field, Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2
Bonus of covering this? Hustling shuffleboard money, meds off geezers.
Pioneer Las Vegas, BYU vs. Arizona, Las Vegas, Sam Boyd Stadium, Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN
Mormons Meet Meth in Mid-desert Melee. Sex? (Yes:guilty, furtive handjobs.)
R+L Carriers New Orleans, Southern Miss vs. Troy, New Orleans Superdome, Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
You won't watch, but someone's catching herpes on this trip.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, Boise State vs. TCU, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium, Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN.
Undefeated = TCU and fifty bucks in new checking account!
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, Hawaii vs. Notre Dame, Honolulu, Aloha Stadium Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN
Weis in volcano "accident"; delicious smell permeates island. Buyout: POOF!
Motor City Bowl, Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan, Detroit Ford Field, Dec. 26, 8 p.m. ESPN
Schnellenberger wins, then attempts Big Three bailout with confederate money.
Meineke Car Care Bowl, West Virginia vs. North Carolina, Charlotte, N.C. Bank of America Stadium, Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN
Stewart lubricates world with magical Suck-Oil. Poor Pat White.
Champs Sports Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Florida State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
Cheese-eating fatboys take crowbar in teeth from deranged old cracker.
Emerald Bowl, Miami (Fla.) vs. California, San Francisco AT&T Park, Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN
Canes in Castro: "Where's gang bang?" Get address. Get CONFUSED.
Independence Bowl, Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech, Shreveport, La. Independence Stadium, Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
Shreveport, the best place on earth...for me to POOP ON.
Papajohns.com Bowl, NC State vs. Rutgers, Birmingham, Ala. Legion Field Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN.
O'Brien has staring contest with tub of garlic butter, wins.
Valero Alamo Bowl, Missouri vs. Northwestern, San Antonio Alamodome Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN
Chase Daniel versus Northwestern's secondary: arm falls off at halftime.
Roady's Humanitarian Bowl, Maryland vs. Nevada, Boise, Idaho Bronco Stadium, Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
Truck stop sponsor! Gift bag is ephedrine, one live hooker.
Texas Bowl, Rice vs. Western Michigan, Houston Reliant Stadium, Dec. 30, 8 p.m., NFL Network
Sage Rosefels, though in NFL, still throws a pick here.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, Oklahoma State vs. Oregon, San Diego Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN
Officiated by Dick Bavetta. Points! Winner gets whale steaks. (Shhhh...)
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Houston vs. Air Force, Fort Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, Dec. 31, Noon ESPN
Ditto on: points! Loser's mascot to be incinerated in DARPA tests.
Brut Sun Bowl, Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh, El Paso, Texas Sun Bowl Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS
Wannstache on Mexican border plus $1.99 mask equals ZORRO SIGHTING.
Gaylord Hotels Music City, Boston College vs. Vanderbilt, Nashville, Tenn. LP Field Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN
"Gaylord" not funny not funny FUCK IT--Funny. Fark, FTW.
Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota, Tempe, Ariz. Sun Devil Stadium, Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network
Mangino puts foot up they ass; deja vu for Minnesota:
Chick-fil-A Bowl, LSU vs. Georgia Tech, Atlanta, Georgia Dome Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN
Fried food spurs LSU; Tigers never lose when batter's around.
Outback Bowl, South Carolina vs. Iowa, Tampa, Fla. Raymond James Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN.
Only hope for Gamecocks: Shonn Greene, Mons Venus, booze, repeat.
Capital One Bowl, Georgia vs. Michigan State, Orlando, Fla. Florida Citrus Bowl, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC.
Dantonio suspends EVERYONE for not wearing top hats. LOSS, Spartans.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, Clemson vs. Nebraska, Jacksonville, Fla., Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS
Nebraska giggles at grown man named Dabo, cramps. Wins anyway.
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi, Penn State vs. USC, Pasadena, Calif. Rose Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC
JoePa says "I haven't seen that much blood since Antietam."
FedEx Orange Bowl, Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech, Miami Dolphin Stadium, Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m., FOX
Jenkins says, "It's okay, I won't watch this, either."
AT&T Cotton Bowl, Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech, Dallas, Cotton Bowl Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX
If sanity were oxygen, both coaches would suffocate. GIGGITY YARR.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Kentucky vs. East Carolina, Memphis, Tenn., Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN
Rich Brooks thinks your muffler is bullshit. Skip calls agent.
Allstate Sugar Bowl, Utah vs. Alabama, New Orleans Superdome Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX
ALABAMA SMASH. Utes drink Hurricanes, cry into gutter. (NOLA tradition.)
International Bowl, Buffalo vs. Connecticut, Toronto, Rogers Centre, Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2
If you watch, it's really just morbid curiosity. Or: gluttony.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, Ohio State vs. Texas, Glendale, Ariz. University of Phoenix Stadium Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX.
Will Muschamp holds up cuneiform defense, says "Read it!" Pryor cries.
GMAC Bowl, Tulsa vs. Ball State, Mobile, Ala., Ladd-Peebles Stadium Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN
Just gluttony at this point. Ball State loses by eleventybillion.
FedEx BCS National Championship Game, Florida vs. Oklahoma.
Oklahoma scores a hundred. Why even play it? JINX, ACTIVATED.