Friends, tonight we have made history. We have finally elected someone who believes in the things we all hold dear: periodic drunkenness, esoteric and vulgarian taste in just about anything, the importance of caffeine as our nation's lifeblood, the value of a fine mustache, hot ass, and lastly, the almighty importance of football as our nation's grand cultural feedin' trough.
Therefore, with the long campaign behind us, let us set forth building some foundations for those castles in the sky. We promise in the remainder of the season to fulfill all of the following promises.
--We vow to replace the CGI stadium behind Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit in the booth on ABC Saturday night games with this:
--To continue to piss Penn State fans off by pointing out their weak schedule and lack of a title game, something they cannot help but so sad for you, this is life.
--To find a new college football icon/goddess to absorb the glare of the eyes of slobbering manhood on Erin Andrews. You cannot all stalk the same gawky, charming blonde, and we will work tirelessly to comb the communications programs of this nation to find a suitable person to spread the wealth of your scary, possibly felonious attentions.
--We also vow to speed up filming of a Pacific Life commercial where krill-eating whales attack and swallow a sea-kayaker whole. We're tired of just watching them swan about idly. Get to work doing what wild animals should be doing, which is eating or being eaten in beautiful HD for us to watch on the Discovery Channel
--Mandate at least one onside kick per game. Take it whenever you like, but you must kick one, because it always feels like your team is breaking the law when it happens. It's like going watching someone blast through a toll booth at high speed every time.
--We also promise to deliver on our campaign promise to deregulate the trade barriers to the Bowl System, opening up international venues like the Port-au-Prince Burning Tire Bowl sponsored by Michelin, the Vladimir Putin's Huge Bulging Pecs Bowl sponsored by Let's Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin, and the Manila Micro-briefcase Bowl Sponsored by Tebow Expandable Micro Briefcases.
(Remember: it isn't made from real foreskins, it won't expand to three times its normal size when you rub it, and it most definitely isn't a Tebow Expandable Micro-briefcase without the Tebow seal of approval!)
--Finally, in conclusion we promise to deliver on the promise to defend Georgia from outside aggression no matter the costs, since the only people who can run roughshod by 39 points and get away with it are the Florida Gators.
God bless you all, and God Bless the United States of America. In conclusion: Get money, get paid.