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Things that will never be said at [INSERT ALMOST ALL OF YOUR SCHOOLS HERE]:

"Our guys can count," Commodores Coach Bobby Johnson said Monday at his weekly press conference. "They know how many (wins) we've got, they know how many we need to be bowl-eligible, they know how many (games) we have left. We've all taken math here at Vanderbilt.

Burrrrrrn! They got them derivatives locked tight, son! If you don't believe Bobby Johnson, that's cool: maybe you can ask his lawya Paul Erdos, yo:

I'm on the 'Dores like they amphetamines and goulash, fool.

Vanderbilt plays the massively improved Duke Blue Devils Saturday for their sixth win, thus making them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982 if they beat Duke. That's if: having been math majors, they know that the chances of Vanderbilt blowing five games in a row to miss the postseason are, statistically speaking, pretty good by historical correlation, if not by current trend.