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MIKE PATRICK'S CABINET OF WONDERS

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Mike Patrick shares his thoughts in his semi-regular feature, Mike Patrick's Cabinet of Wonders.

Fall is here! Now we get to carve pumpkins, which probably don't have any nerves. If they did, though, they probably would only feel the first cut, and then they would go into shock until they died. And then, even if that didn't do it, then pulling out their guts would probably finish them off. I love Halloween!

Starbucks' French Vanilla Scones are delicious and addictive! They make me fat fat fatty, but Todd can eat forty at a time and HE NEVER GAINS A POUND THAT BASTARD. Unrelated: Have you seen The Talented Mr. Ripley? Matt Damon speaks to the soul in that movie.

Could you feed a camel lemonade and tap its hump, and turn it into a lemonade-spouting camel? And could we name him Steven, and take him around the Sahara drinkin' lemonade and looking at the Pyramids? Please say we can!

I give all my nephews and nieces knives for Christmas. It helps them learn responsibility and first aid at the same time.

You know what else I like about fall? I get to break out all my old sweaters from storage. They're soft, cuddly, and hide a few pounds gained over the offseason. And a knife. A good, sharp knife. You can't see that, either.

What is Britney doing with her life?

I don't think dolphins "talk," so much as they "shriek like stabbed homeless men."

Have you seen Bangkok Dangerous! Funny thing: it's not porno! Boy, was the missus surprised at that. And disappointed.

Artichokes are God's way of saying, "Sorry, you don't get a better vegetable today. Because I hate you, and want you to die."

Life's not a destination, but a journey. If you want a destination, go to Branson, Missouri. Now that's a destination.

I don't believe in thank you notes. Instead, I like to say thank you the old-fashioned way: with the gift of arson.

The eyes of a child never lie, especially when you've just hit their dog with a car, because it's hard to fake tears like that.