CURIOUS INDEX, 9/4/08

Don't ask a football coach to do the math. The new clock rules are, in fact, giving you less football whether your realize it or not, contradicting the predictions made by Bridgewater College coach and head of the NCAA Rules Committee that such rules would encourage consistent pace of play, whiten collars, improve posture, blahcetera, blahcetera.

We should have known this was coming when it came wrapped in the title of "The 2008 Longer Games with More Plays Act."

See, it takes less time to get more plays in. Do it for the children, and for America.

The other missing element in this is the advent of the hurry-up, which Colorado flirted with against Colorado State but was otherwise absent from most games. This was supposed to be the counter against the 40 second clock to spring up all over the place, but aside from a few abortive rushes to the line by Michigan on Saturday, we didn't see it at all. Another reason to take missives from on high, reverse them, and then read for intent and truthiness.

South Carolina opens as a ten point road favorite tonight at Vanderbilt. South Carolina was ranked sixth last year when the Commodores beat them and triggered the Cocks' sudden loss of rigidity in the second half of the season, causing them to droop to a 6-6 finish and hurting the feelings of their fans, who'd never had that happen to them before. We kid: that's happened to South Carolina fans for the majority of their lives as fans. They're used to it, and after all, it happens to everyone. Gamecocks: the mascot name that keeps on giving, because it kinda means dick.

Classes include the Stabler Stumble, Dubose Desk Aerobics. What makes it BamAerobics we're not sure: firing the instructor halfway through class? Everyone lifting up their step platform and finding five thousand dollars just sitting there? Paul Finebaum deploring your lack of effort on air squats? It's popular enough to have people turned away at the door whatever the appeal may be, and it's worth clicking over just for the picture of the two guys in the featured photo. "This isn't gay, right?" "Nope. Not gay. Definitely not homosexual to be in an aerobics class."

Yay! Portable FAIL! The iPhone App for college football users on the go: the AP top 25 in your hand, complete with all sorts of other goodies like a graph showing your team's plummet from their ridiculously high preseason rankings. Clemson fans, download now! Segue!

Urrbody on the bus get testy. Clemson defensive end Jamie Cumbie helped Clemson coordinator top off an AWESOME week of baiting Alabama in the press and then having his head served to him on a plate by the Crimson Tide run game. Cumbie was involved in "an altercation" with Koenning on the team bus following the game over his lack of starting time, and a brouhaha resulted in Cumbie strapping a bomb to the bus that, if it dropped below 55 miles an hour, would go off, destroying everyone on it. Tommy Bowden called Nick Saban for advice, and Alabama coach generously suggested he shoot the hostage.