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BEVERAGES FIT FOR A COACH

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We're officially on record as thinking that naming a Bo Schembechler-themed merlot is sacrilege enough to wake the dead into a punching rage, though it's hard to be enraged about much of anything when the schedule for SEC games has been leaked (blanket allegedlys here.)

We at EDSBS, however, love making a cheap buck as much as anyone else, and therefore pitch the following beverages to the masses. Consider yourself a little focus group, if you will: tell us how you feel about these beverages on a scale from "would drink out of [IMPOSSIBLY ATTRACTIVE FAMOUS PERSON'S ASSCRACK]' to "would not drink with a loaded blunderbuss held to our heads."

Sylvester Croom's CRÜM. Smooth. Strong. Those who hold on fourth and one, hold CRÜM.

Pete Carroll's FIGHT ON ELIXIR. A heady, potent mixture of guarana, caffeine, hummingbird adrenaline, and ginseng that keeps you winning forever. WARNING: may induce long periods of success, good vibes, positive, world-friendly thoughts, and losing to Stanford.

Schnellenshine. No questions--just drink it and become a man for the first time in your life, Nancy. The burning is pain leaving your body.

Tom O'Brien's Big, Hearty Glass o' Milk.

Bobby Petrino's Cobra Blast. Run up the score on life with Bobby Petrino's COBRA BLAST, the powerful but energetic cocktail for the outgoing street drunk. May cause inability to stay in one place for long (natch.)

Nick Saban's Crimson Tide Nutrition Beverage. Rich in iron, lifeforce of enemies.