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FULMER CUP: ARKANSAS RALLY CAR FAIL

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Country gentleman Petrino: classy, unlike SOME people we know.

It's a sign of a bad liar that, when pressed to offer an explanation for his actions, the liar in question denies charge one but willingly cops to what they consider a lesser charge. Honey, I didn't sleep with the stripper. But I did take three hundred dollars from the emergency fund for blow for the boys. We cool, right?

Arkansas wide receiver Marques Wade is a prime example of this phenomena. Case in point: after almost hitting a cop with a car--which they really, really don't like--Wade was pulled over. (That happens fairly often when you almost hit policemen with cars.) Wade then proceeded to display cunning linguistic skills by erecting a rhetorical smokescreen that would send blood shooting from Matlock's overloaded brainframe.

A Fayetteville police report shows an officer stopped the sophomore from Ellenwood, Ga., after he sped through a parking lot and nearly slid into another officer. The report alleges Wade had bloodshot eyes and denied drinking, but said he had “smoked some marijuana earlier in the day.”

Weed? Well, son, who hasn't done that? Drive on! You're practically sober! For outstanding DUI, Arkansas picks up a base charge of three points, but also earns an additional point for the whole almost-hitting-a-policeman thing for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup.

To show you that you have crossed the Harvey Dent rubicon into seeing the villain become a moderately tasteful semi-villain: do you hear Bobby Petrino complaining about the disciplinary problems he inherited from Houston Nutt?

Of course not. That's what heels do. A refined gentleman like Petrino simply checks his Blackberry for any pressing job offers emails from his agent and moves on like a gentleman. DO YOU HEAR ME KRAGTHORPE YOU NABOB? Whatever, says Petrino: go back to eating your salad with the dessert fork, you cretin. See if an ascot-wearing duke like B.P. has anything to say to a savage like yourself. Drive on, Beersworthy!