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SCHNELLENBERGER INVADES PHILIPPINES, SUN BELT

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That's Howard Schnellenberger. He freed the Philippines and busted Chinese heads in Korea while you were just bad theory, son. He built a steam engine that ran on his own sweat, strapped it to some oil barrels, and made dolphins waterski behind him. He's seen more life in the past year than you'll see in eighty. We should also mention that he's 247 years old and just push jerked 350 pounds while having a casual phone conversation with his close personal friend Otto von Bismarck this morning? Yeah, Bismarck's dead and "that's impossible!" but it's limited thinking like that that keeps you a slave to your own mediocrity, sir.

The Dapper Don's FAU Owls are picked first in the Sun Belt for 2008. Second place will be occupied by no team, and will instead be claimed by a rotating pair of suspenders taken from Schnelly's closet. Third place will be left blank out of respect...and fear.

You know the "owls" refers to "burrowing owls," right? No? Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Everyone knows a burrowing owl lives in a hole in the ground...