Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Lieutenant Winslow, who brings us the only review of DA U you need to read ever for any reason. Get out the tubes and drop your pants: your mind-colonic starts now. Featuring assists by the Great Barstoolio.
One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
The color of the U's 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in... Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point: Miami's starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson's boyfriend's high school football records in the state of Florida) or... true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn't lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami's upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami's top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.
Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
The historical nation and period that most resembles the U in 2008 would have to be the crepe-eating frogs across the pond, circa the 1790's, shortly after King Louis XVI lost his noggin. You see, back then, the frogs were not the galactic pussies that we have come to know them as today. In fact, the frogs were irrational lunatics with an affinity for violence. Back then, the frogs had been a global superpower for like several hundred years consecutively, only to fall from grace most unceremoniously in a rather short period of time. This downward spiral took place under the leadership of a really swell guy who everyone really liked, but sadly, he just kinda lacked the ability to break out the iron fist every once in a while and step on a few throats when the circumstances demanded it. Thus, the froggies' leader, swell guy as he was, lost control of the froggie populace and next thing you knew... heads they were a-rolling. The frogs kinda went overboard in their bloodlust and lopped off a few more heads than they probably should have, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. After many a dome was lopped off, the frogs soon found themselves in this wierd place where they felt the need to go over the top in proving to one another, and to the world, that they were true frogs - frogs worthy of the legacy left by generations of great frogs that had come before them. soon these frogs found themselves under new leadership, only this time, their leader wasn't some pussified frog-tamer brought in from outside; no, this new frog leader was a true frog raised in the very same swamp as many of his frog soldiers. After some initial hesitation, the frogs quickly embraced their new frog leader, they bought in to his system, and fought like crazed beasts for him. Under the tutelage of their swamp-bred frog leader, the frogs soon found themselves on the path back to being the fearsome, raping-and-pillaging frog empire that they had once been. And they all ate crepes and drank Evian and lived happily ever after. The end.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Graig Cooper (sophmore).
Graig Cooper (sophmore)
G-R-A-I-G...C-O-O-P-E-R
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
Most of the country hates the U, so I'm sure you'll all want to watch us get beat by Florida on September 6th.
Most of the country ("and Canada!" -Barstoolio) also hates Bobby Bowden, so I'm sure you'll all want to watch Miami beat the ever living fuck out of Florida State on October 4th.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we're better off NOT watching.
I'd kinda prefer it if you all just didn't watch the UF game on September 6.
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?
Game day experience?
A senior class?
A wide receiver that can catch?
Ken Dorsey?
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we're serious--do it.
Jimmy Buffet sings this right?
Seven: We're master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
Everyone is saying that Marve is the favorite to get the starting gig. Blah blah, he's been in Pat Nix's system for a year, blah, blah, laser rocket arm. However...I attended Miami's spring game and can tell you for a fact that Jacory Harris is the Black Ken Dorsey. He's tall, he's gangly, he can't really put that much mustard on the ball, but fuck if he doesnt look smooth as silk in the pocket, and he puts the ball exactly where its supposed to be when its supposed to be there. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that by mid-October, the true freshman Jacory Harris will be under center for the U.
If you're looking for, like, an actual wager wager, put a few bucks on Miami to take care of business at home against Virginia Tech on November 13th. And none of this pussy shit where you're getting 10 points and just need Miami to cover. Take the money line like a fucking man.
Enjoy the season.
Thank you, sir and madam. If you are interested in learning more about the University of Miami and its football, you are incorrect. All knowledge possibly known about Miami football is contained here in this space. If you absolutely must, just watch Cocaine Cowboys, and wherever it says "Griselda Blanco," insert the name "Jimmy Johnson."
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