Former South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, depicted seconds before his tragic death.
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes CockNFire from Garnet and Black Attack, the fine Sports Blog Nation journal of all things cock-related. Enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
Orange. It might not be much of a metaphor, but the team's fate will, as always, be decided by the Orange Crush at the end of the schedule. If they can manage to win every game they should win (always a stretch with the Gamecocks), where South Carolina falls between 7-5 and 10-2 will be decided in the Tennessee-(Arkansas)-Florida-Clemson meat grinder.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
America, late 1780s. Consider Lou Holtz the Articles of Confederation government -- the main job was just to get the thing up and running. The brawl at Clemson is the Shays Rebellion, an uprising that convinced everyone it was time for a change. Like the Constitution, Spurrier's arrival marked the introduction of a stronger system that the previous regime had resisted -- in this case, the forward pass. Now, we wait to see if the program will hold together, as the reformed America did after some doubt-inducing struggles, or crash and burn.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
WR Kenny McKinley. McKinley doesn't make as many impossible circus catches as Sidney Rice
-- who, I'm convinced, could catch a ball while being eating by a pack of wild hyenas -- but he's always there. McKinley has caught a ball in 33 straight games, set the school's single-season reception record last year, and had 968 yards last year.
MLB Jasper Brinkley. If he's as good as the Tyrone Nix apologists suggested last year, he will single-handedly tackle every runner behind the line of scrimmage. Here in the real world, he had 21 tackles and two interceptions in four games, and he didn't really play any for any significant period of time against LSU.
SS Emanuel Cook. Leading the team in tackles last year with 92, he also had four sacks and three picks.
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
Sept. 13, vs. Georgia. The Gamecocks almost always play the spelling-challenged Dawgs well, and this will mark Georgia's first true test before they journey cross-continent to play Arizona State. Will South Carolina lose? Almost certainly. But only after making it interesting.
Nov. 15, at Florida. Spurrier in the Swamp for the second time. You might remember the last time the two teams played, when the Face of Evil Jarvis Moss blocked a field goal at the last second, preserving the Florida win and sending the Gators to the annual Ohio State beatdown. Excuse me, national championship game.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we're better off NOT watching.
Sept. 20, vs. Wofford. Don't get me wrong. This will, given South Carolina's history, likely be a tightly-contested game ending only on the final play, when some miracle (hopefully) saves the Gamecocks from calamity. ::knocks furiously on wood:: But it will be marked by horrible, horrible, sloppy play by South Carolina. This is just how things go for the Garnet and Black.
Yes. Another Downfall parody. Still: appropriate.--ed.
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?
Nothing. We are a complete team. Sure, you kind of wish the two leading quarterbacks wouldn't throw a combined eight interceptions in a spring game where the rules were rigged. Against the defense. Sure, you kind of wish the other leading quarterback could go a few months without having an urgent meeting with an employee of the Columbia Police Department...
::begins quietly weeping::
Please, please, someone give us a quarterback. We will all give our firstborn for a quarterback.
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we're seriousdo it.
One of more recent vintage: Playin' the Loser Again, which goes in part:
Don't give me hope
And take it away ...
Don't give me something
To build all around
And just for a thrill
You tear it all down
This is, essentially, the story of the last eight years of Gamecocks football. Just when they seem to be on the cusp of greatness, they do something like lose to Vanderbilt. (For the record, the last time the Gamecocks did that, they lost all 11 games that year. This is the only circumstance under which a loss to Vandy is acceptable.)
Seven: We're master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
They will not cover the spread (if one exists) against Wofford. If one doesn't exist, just bet someone South Carolina will not beat Wofford by ten or more. Somebody will take you up on it.