Drop the pepper spray, pigs. He's ready for this.
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Notre Dame blogger Subway Domer. Like Run Up The Score, he doesn't choose Changes In Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes for the answer to the dreaded Jimmy Buffett Challenge, and for this we salute him already. Enjoy.
One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
Green? Notre Dame and the color green have had a long history together. That history has been both kind, and cursed. For years, the lore of green jersey games and of championships won by the players that wore them has been passed on from generation to generation.
However, there are several types of green that Notre Dame has seen over the past 30+ years. The menacing, yet ugly Kelly Green from the 1977 team that the 2007 team "honored" by having their asses handed to them by USC 38-0.
How about the Super Willingham Green that the Irish wore versus Boston College in 2002?
So bright and loud, it caused Pat Dillingham (former prom date to Ty's daughter) to fumble the fucking game away.
No? Perhaps the closest shade of green for this season is that of its newest concoction and the one that I seem to favor the most, oddly enough. Adidas's Corporate Appeasement Green. This shade almost gave the Irish victory versus USC in 2005 (Ban Bush!) and ended the losing streak in the green jerseys by crushing mighty Army in them before losing at USC in 2006. This is what the 2008 season very well may be: Corporate appeasement or otherwise titled: How To Win Enough Games To Justify National Broadcast Coverage.
Of course you could just say green. Plain old green... with envy.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
The British Empire. 1783.
This is kind of an easy one considering ND had its ass handed to them by the United States Armed Forces as well as those pesky redcoats. This was the beginning of the end of the "Empire".
What may be more interesting is that Britain kept colonizing other territory, such as the whole of Africa. They had a great idea of making "nations" with "borders" out of huge tracts of land that held many different tribes of people that had been at war with one another for centuries. Brilliant!
That's ND in a nice nutshell. The Fighting Irish went from one of the greatest programs in the country, to being humiliated by a bunch of "Americans", to being right on the verge of fucking up an entire continent.
Hell yeah!
Seriously, you called down the thunder. I can't hear you over all the shooting.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Free safety David Bruton (SR) may be Notre Dame's only legitimate shot at an All-American this year. He is a very athletic player that is entering his senior year with the Irish. He should benefit greatly from the blitz packages that TAH-NOO-TAH is bringing with him. Basically, fluster the QB into making a mistake. That mistake was #27 flying down the sideline with a pick 6.
Running back Robert Hughes (SO). Hughes is a big body back with quick feet and surprising speed. The Irish will more than likely use 3 or even 4 backs this year, but Robert should see the bulk of the carries after 2 100 yard+ performances to end the season and a 125 yard day at the spring game. He will most certainly be the replacement for Travis Thomas as the short yardage back.
I would be remiss if I didn't mention EDSBS All-American Jimmy Clausen (SO). He is 100% healthy and looked very good in the spring. If the offensive line doesn't get him killed, Jimmy should have a banner year. He has all but one of his top targets from last year back in 2008, and if the Irish can start running the ball more effectively, Jimmy will shine. Of course he can tank it and have the student body calling for Dayne Crist. Savages.
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
Because it is Notre Dame, you get the right to watch just about every game they play from almost anywhere in the universe. Picking two sounded tough at first, and then it all melted away into the two most obvious.
#1. September 13th VS. Michigan. Michigan has their own QB problems this year and lost almost everyone on offense from a year ago. They even lost a kid to Ohio State. Man they're a bunch of losers. Because of this, and a new kind of offense, some prognosticators are pointing at the 2008 version of the Skunkbears (or Wolverines, if you prefer) to have a season very much like the 2007 ND squad. Not likely. Michigan still has a defense that can stop the run and two very good cover corners. This game is a must see, for it will tell the fortune of each teams entire season. And that's a scientific fact.
#2. October 25th @ Washington. The media still can't get enough of the Willingham Drama. Oh, poor Ty wanted to leave and then got fired and is getting paid larger than the ruler of Zamunda. Fuck him! Unfortunately for the Irish, Jake Locker is standing in Ty's corner to help the Molder of Men have his revenge. This game is a must watch because of the dirty undertones of race and money. Weis can't win even if the team does 46-12. But, he can save face for himself, the program, and the school by beating the shit out of the Huskies. BTW- This game comes after a bye week for the Irish, so expect any Irish news from October 12th to the 26th to contain bullshit about this game.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we're better off NOT watching.
October 4th VS. Stanford. Last years game was a mess and it may not get much better this year. The Irish won that sloppy ass game and here are some final awful stats by both teams: 9 personnel foul penalties. 6 turnovers. 5 missed field goals. 4 plays that were reversed after further review. 1 pissed off Harbaugh.
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack.
Where do I begin? Oh, of course... the most obvious.
Notre Dame was the worst team last year in pass protection. The offensive line gave up 58 sacks and that my friends, was the worst in the country. So this is the most easily identifiable deficiency going into the 2008 season.
How in the hell is Jimmy going to win 3 Heisman's, if he can't stay off of his ass? Anyone?
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we're serious-do it.
Notre Dame is all about tradition. But, with tradition, comes standards and expectations that are almost unfair. We talk about echoes... all the fucking time. Wake 'em up! Well, why have they been sleeping? Anyways, this seemed very fitting. It's from Banana Wind - False Echoes (Havana 1921).
Enduring echoes call out from his past
Time ain't for savin' no time's not for that
Chasing false echoes like a lost legionnaire
He waltzes on memories while he fades like a flare
I'm not here to save him, Sheriff. I'm here to save you.
Seven: We're master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
All you have to do is listen to Phil Steele. Phil has the Fighting Irish playing Florida State in the Gator Bowl this year. But, i think Phil may have fell and bumped his head.
I do agree that Notre Dame should see a bowl game this year, but probably not that big of one. (Phil also had ND playing The "U" in the Gator bowl last year... ouch.) The bet should be that ND will finally overcome their bowl losing streak. Let's just say that they will play in the PapaJohns.com Bowl. Awesome!
Of course you can make money on the Irish all year. They never cover the spread... ever!
If you would like to know more about Notre Dame, the Library of Congress recommends Subway Domer. If you would like to escape a bullet from Charlie Weis' gun with your name on it, you might as well ask the sun not to rise.