HT: Uncyclopedia.
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest "bullshit" coverage of college football, we have begun the best method we could think of to write about teams we know next to nothing about: asking others to write about them for us. Todd from Roll Bama Roll is our visiting lecturer today, and he will help us understand the your role as les sans culottes in the early Napoleonic period of Alabama football.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
Not to be too obvious here, but how about crimson? Isaiah 1:18 states "Come now let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson they shall be as wool." Can you name another SEC program in more need of redemption right now? Didn't think so.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Revolutionary France. The corrupt, apathetic, and ineffectual ancien regime was overthrown, the ensuing reign of terror meant any hint of impropriety or counter-revolutionary measures ensured the loss of a head (coaching position that is), and the ensuing chaos set the stage for a diminutive tyrant to take the reigns.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Terry Grant: Finished last season with 891 yards and 8 TDs despite a sports hernia slowing him for half the season and having to sit out the final two games.
If he stays healthy and isn't forced to run power plays between the tackles (he's 5'10", 188, for God's sake! Get him to the outside! Also, wise move having the man calling those boneheaded plays coaching your running backs, Mack Brown!) he can be a Prothro-style game breaker in the open field, but unless a power runner steps up to compliment him there's no telling how beat up he'll be by week six.
John Parker Wilson: Floundered under a more complex offense than he was used to but still showed flashes of brilliance (I'm looking at you, Tennessee). A new OC and playcaller with a more "QB friendly" approach is expected to help Wilson dink and dunk his way back into the good graces of Bama fans.
Rashad Johnson: A former walk-on running back, Johnson wasn't anything special at the safety position until Saban's system made him a star. Was an All-SEC selection last year, and has drawn nothing but praise from his coaches and teammates over the spring.
Rolando McClain: Made the Freshman All-America team last year, and is likely the only returning linebacker with any game experience. I say likely since Prince Hall is indefinetly suspended again and therefor, at the bare minimum, going to sit several games at the start of the season if not just flat out gone from the team come fall, and Zeke Knight has some serious heart related health issues that will likely force him to go on medical scholarship.
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
8/30 vs Clemson (Atlanta): We're finally stepping up the OOC scheduling again, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. Two of the best backs in the country against a young and inexperienced front seven. Could be a shoot out.
11/8 at LSU: Saban's first trip back to Baton Rouge. A fun round of "count the hurled whiskey bottles on the sidelines!" will keep things interesting if the game gets ugly.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we're better off NOT watching.
9/13 vs Western Kentucky: We don't suffer embarassing humilitations until later in the season.
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?
Speaking of, how about some mid-major upset repellent? Stallings took it all with him, apparently.
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we're serious--do it.
Since I am only passingly familiar with two Jimmy Buffett songs, it's a good thing one of them actually kinda sorta fits. In Margaritaville, Buffett progressively comes to realize his troubles are of his own making, just like Alabama fans have held their heads firmly in the sand for the past decade thinking "we're just about to turn the corner" without acknowledging radical changes needed to be made to the entire culture of Alabama football before the program can get back to it's glory days.
Seven: We're master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
In every game Alabama plays on national TV, there will be at least three close ups of John Parker Wilson lustily flicking his sweat drenched Brodie Bangs out of his eyes on the sidelines. Camera men love Brodie Bangs.
Thanks, sir. If you'd like to read more about Alabama football, the Library of Congress recommends Roll Bama Roll. If you'd like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.