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CURIOUS INDEX, 5/30/08

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Violent much? Noooo... Nick Saban doesn't take a dump without a plan, son. He sure as hell won't be going into LSU on foot, though his staff won't take any chances when the Tide visits LSU. When we say visit, we mean "step gingerly through a steaming drunken mob, hope to avoid being brained with whiskey bottles, and attempt to play a football game."

"We talk about where we're staying and who's going to ride on what bus to the games," Saban said on Wednesday at the SEC's spring business meetings. "Somebody on our staff -- I'm not going to tell who -- said, 'I hate to tell you this, but when we play LSU, ain't none of us riding on your bus.'"


NICK-AY! WE COMIN'!

Lyndon Johnson used to have an amphibious car. He'd drive his trusted aides around the ranch to Lake Lyndon Johnson, pretend to lose control of the car, and then see who was loyal enough to save him. This could be just like that, but with an angry mob and real harm in the place of water.

Tim Tebow, future asshole. He's a perfectly nice person for now. In the future, this could change. Doesn't he know the initiation rite for the Florida GOP is watching a man drown in a tank of water without intervening? (For the Dems, it's taking the same man and placing pebbles on him until he suffocates. Motto: we achieve together!)

Glen Mason now works in finance doing business development. He can't stop complaining about his office, though, and would really like it if you built him a new one.

Turf taken from the Carrier Dome was tainted with lead. This might explain so, so much about what's happened to Syracuse football. A turf sample taken from Ohio State as a comparison/control in the study revealed high levels of excellence and tear gas, while samples from South Carolina proved to be an intoxicating mix of bermuda grass and pure sensamilla, which again may explain why only 33 percent of South Carolina's recruits in the past five years have made it onto campus.

SEC TAKEOVER! Well, we're all for it.