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FOOTBALL IN SOUTH FLORIDA: PSYCHICS NEEDED

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Small-time D1 programs must claw their way up with the support of mega-boosters and the largesse bestowed on them by larger programs in exchange for getting their teeth kicked in on Saturdays. Desperate measures, but by no means the limit in terms of the extremes programs will go to in order to raise money for the program, up to and including holding "networking benefits" for the athletic program with entertainment better fitting a retirement home than a fundraiser.

It all sounds ordinary enough, until you realize that Natasha Lipschtick & the Psychic Yentas will be at hand to read palms, lip prints, handwriting, Tarot cards, shells, sand, auras, tea leaves, crystal balls, and even wallets (they’ll be especially interested in those).Geddy the (Breakdancing) Gecko, a nationally acclaimed mascot-for-hire since 1995, will add flair to the festivities, which include: a DJ, a “Summer Basics” fashion show, a 2-for-1 Happy Hour, food, gaming, prize drawings, and a UFO fly-by. That last part’s made up, but it shouldn’t be ruled out — when the Psychic Yentas are in town, the impossible becomes possible. The shindig runs from 6 — 8 p.m. Tickets cost $25; $20 if you RSVP.

Tickets still available! Clearly there's a disconnect here. (Though perhaps the intent is to suck confused retirees in and then get them to write checks for robot insurance in the form of football players protecting their community.) All the FAU athletic department need to do is print up a simple flyer sans expensive psychics and fashion show. It should look something like this:

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See? Saved you thousands of dollars in entertainment expenses there. You want dinosaurs flying jets, just put barrel-aged sexy and his suspenders at a bar and let the masses mingle. He'll have them signing over second mortgages for the Owls in no time.