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UNSOLVED MYSTERIES, VOL. 2: RYAN PERRILLOUX

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We're examining the great unsolved mysteries of the upcoming season after spring practice. First, we examined the Nebraska defense; now, we look at SEC, and at the mystery surrounding the most reliably awesome flight of talent in the SEC, LSU. More specifically, we look at their quarterback situation, and Monsieur Ryan Perriloux, their enigmatic starting quarterback. Enigmatic=can't keep his country ass out of trouble, we say, doing our best Steve Harvey impression.

LSU does not reload, they pop another clip in the AK-47 and keep firing--often wildly, yes, but with Comrade Les at the trigger, you get some of that. Geography and the collusion of the legislature mean LSU picks from a broad swath of talent they may claim all to themselves with little in the way of substantial regional competition. And since 1996 or so, the administration has committed formidable resources to the program, both in terms of building football honeypots like the weight room and in terms of hiring first-rate coaches to keep the talent in the right places.

Yet all programs face a time when the most important offensive player on the field is hopelessly talented and flaky. Enter Ryan Perrilloux, who is all that stands between LSU having another 10-2 type season and the frightening possibility of watching a Harvard transfer Andrew Hatch or redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee toss flanker screens all day. Perrilloux has already had an eventful life. In addition to being named a person of interest in a federal counterfeit investigation before the age of 21, Perrilloux has been suspended at least three times for violating team rules.


I crush your head. Seriously, I will, Perrilloux.

He also stood up in a strip club and allegedly announced himself to be "the next sixty motherfucking million dollar man." This is important, because Perrilloux may be more talented than Jamarcus Russell: he won the SEC championship game off the bench, and has a dazzling skill set. He also possesses significant potential the other way, since we would be unsurprised to go duck hunting in a Louisiana bayou and discover Perrilloux and friends ferrying crates of bootleg moonshine off a swamp-hutch still.

Either way, it's going to be fascinating. Who knows where Ryan Perrilloux will take us? To the Rose Bowl, or perhaps the Independence bowl, or maybe even the champagne room at a strip club? (Little mystery there, actually. He may be there right now, actually.) Our poll for the week is: Where will Ryan Perrilloux finish the 2008 football season? And will it involve illegal arms, or calling servers "Osama"? Along with the loss of Glenn Dorsey, this is really the only serious question for LSU, who by custom and tradition are eleven deep in Olympic tracksters at running back and every other position of consequence.

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