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COACH, THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. REALLY.

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Corwin Brown, Notre Dame defensive coordinator, is doing what every defensive coordinator who doesn't have the perfect lineup this spring is doing: tinkering, moving pieces around like an interior decorator swings furniture around, waiting for that perfect Ping! arrangment that just screams "sophisticated neocolonial style!" Wait. We meant, "Skull-slamming defensive rotation." (It's so easy to get the two confused, sometimes.)

Brown has one guy he's particularly fond of, and hopes to stay fond of safety Harrison Smith, who unlike previous safety Tom Zbikowski and several coal towns in West Virginia, is not currently on fire. And unlike all those other asshole players he's coached, Corwin Brown hopes he won't defecate in his food. Again!

"He's a hard-working [player], he's smart, he's tough. I don't want to say too many good things about him, though, because he'll probably poop in my lunch bucket."

Threat, dare, or invitation? Corwin Brown, after a Notre Dame loss this year, will walk sad laps in short pants and a prep school tie and jacket with a reeking lunchpail, tears welling down his face. Mom! They did it again! For Notre Dame players, this could evolve into a powerful motivational technique for the player on the defense demonstrating the least effort in a game: the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.


Chunky is the disappointment of bearing the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.