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Yes, we're finally escaping the orbit of Las Vegas. It's a degenerative orbit at best: we arrived here full of plans and dreams and money and Werther's Butterscotches, and now we're typing this from the Clark County Library without pants, a wallet, or our left eye. The eyepatch, however, is saucy, and our street persons' production of Pirates of Penzance is gonna kill, baby. And those butterscotches? When you run out of cash, they'll get you more than you think in barter. And this just happened. If you're fond of that "heroin/jugular" feel, putting any dollar amount over the number that makes your ass pucker up a bit and the taste of aluminum appear in your mouth is on your list of things to do in a casino. Just don't do it like we did it. Jacked, pumped, and Sanchez'd. The Tiffany position in college football is open...sorta. Mark "Dirty" Sanchez and his army of luchadore mask-wearing fansboys is the clear leader in the jump seat for post-season awardage, the starting qb slot for USC. The likely future custodian of the USC Matt Leinart Golden Penis Cozy, Sanchez will probably top Arkansas transfer Mitch Mustain and freshman Aaron Corp provided Mustain doesn't shoot the lights out in spring ball. Pete Carroll's current facebook status: "Pete Carroll can't wait for Spring Ball to start on Tuesday." Nick Saban's current facebook status: "Dropping one grain of sand on a bound and gagged Joe Pendry's forehead at a time until he apologizes for dinging my car in the parking lot." This year's Wonderlic leaks aren't as sensational as in years past--there's no VY six, no Frank Gore 8, no Roderick Green rocking the vaunted low of a 3 for Roderick "MMM, Paste" Green, who received the score after eating half the test and then curling up on the floor for a well-overdue nap. Matt Ryan got a 32 (Jesuits, what!) and Boise State's Ryan Clady, one of the leading draft picks at o-line, didn't live up to the respectable scores of his brethren by pulling a 16 from his brain-hat. No one exceeded the worst contextual score we've ever seen: Marcus Vick's 11. Vick is currently overseeing his brother's remaining properties, which you may recognize from the piles of garbage piling up outside them and the periodic fires burning in them. Paul Johnson ain't sayin' shit about what his offense will look like in year one at Georgia Tech: "I said, 'No they're not. I mean they don't run the same thing the New York Giants do and the New England Patriots,' " Johnson said. "And I was like, 'Well, what do you call it?' And the guy goes, 'Well, I guess you'd call it conventional.' I said, 'There you go. Call it whatever you want. They're all a little bit different.' " That's not what drew our eye to the AP report, though. This did: Neither of the experienced candidates, Calvin Booker or Josh Nesbitt, have attempted a pass in a college game. Hey! Games against UNC don't count as college games anymore. |
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