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Of all the things we loathe about sports culture in the United States, it's the enshrinement of "smack." First, to steal our favorite word for heroin is a shame, since "smack" is an inherently funny word used in overwrought heroin dramas and blaxploitation flicks. For Jim Rome to take it to the masses and rebrand it as a form of discourse used IN ALL CAPS SEACREST OUT (that's tight, broseph, tight) remains a fucking shame.

You'll never take smack away from us, nor the glorious comedies it inspires.

Two, smack and smack-talkers off the field suck, and suck at what they do for the most part. A little convivial ribbing? Acceptable. A well-tuned jab and skillful riposte? Excellent. Bellowing in a parking lot at a total stranger? Well, legally that's just assault, and if you're going to do it, you may as well get the red-mist blood flowing and throw a drunken punch or two before you get pulled apart by your friends, who you're lucky were there "or the Beast would have taken over, man, and I don't want that to happen again."

Three: Jim. (Four minutes of silence.) Rome.

Yeah, but fuck all that, cause the SMACK WAGON is comin' your way, brah!

At each stop, the RV is giving away t-shirts and mini-footballs, meeting with student groups, distributing fliers, participating in radio promotions, attending university games and generating overall excitement. Garrity and other MSL staff, including former NFL All-Pro Chuck Muncie (a partner with MSL), are traveling with the RV.

"All of these schools are in it to win, so the competition is incredible," says Garrity. "We expect it to become especially fierce as text votes begin coming in and the schools' running tallies of tickets sold get posted."

Text votes make me wanna fight like a brave! The promo is part of the Fox Sports/Big Ten Network's Gridiron Bash, a series of college football kickoff concerts including:

--Maroon 5
--The Black Crowes
--Dwight Yoakam.

If you happen to be a college student longing to seduce your best friend's mother, your train done come in, son. Five margaritas, a Fergie show, and two hours of sustained attention should be enough to convince her to play a little modern day Emma Bovary adventure with you.