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GUEST COLUMNIST: MIKE PATRICK

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Howdy!

ESPN play-by-play guy Mike Patrick is our guest columnist today.

Hey, what are you doing? I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch. I love soup for lunch, and the people at "Lettuce Souprise You" have never failed me! The Italians have a saying about soup, you know? It's one of my favorites:

Soup does seven things:
Appeases your hunger,
Slakes your thirst,
Fills your stomach,
Cleans your teeth,
Gives you the ability to see through time,
Helps you outpunch hobos in street fights,
And makes you able to smell fear and the menses.

Or something like that, at least. I eat soup every day, friend. It's part of a basic health plan I try to follow everywhere I go on the road, even when I'm traveling with that skinny mini Blackledge! He can eat whatever he wants! It's soooo frustrating.

See, he never packs on weight. EVER! OMG!

He just piles in hash browns, extra gravy, double orders of cake, whole pig faces (seriously! They serve it deep-fried at the Iowa state fair, and I saw him eat one!), whatever he likes! Meanwhile, I'm over there eating lettuce and cottage cheese with a pineapple wedge and dying on the inside a little at a time. I get hippy, while Blackledge never gets fat. I have to put out brush fires between my thighs when I wear corduroys. There's friction there! It's serious.

And what is Britney doing with her life? I mean, really? She's just a little piece of trailer trash who's taking life's luck and flushing it down the potty by flashing her woman parts around and going crazy. Have you seen them? Someone sent them to me--I wouldn't go looking for them, of course--but it all looks like razor burn and bad out-of-season clams down there. Poor people with money never fail to amuse! They just don't know what to do with the stuff, do they? They'd just eat money if you didn't tell them they could trade it for DVRs and pickup trucks, I bet--though you know Britney would never give up the Chee-tos! Because she's poor, and likes to eat reprocessed corn and salt cooked in interesting shapes.

But what have I been doing with my offseason? I've been catching up on my reading. I decided to shake things up and read a few of the classics. Have you read any Mitch Albom? Tuesdays With Morrie is just inspiring, though I didn't think it was emotional enough--I like books that move me and make me laugh, like The Rape of Nanking. Also, I've really taken to The Secret: it's this whole book about how to get what you want in life without working for any of it! All you have to do is think about good things, and they'll happen! It helped me get Ron Franklin exiled to tv Siberia, and if it works just like the author says it does, that bird outside my window will explode into a shower of candy and dollar bills any minute now.

Well, that's all I've got for now. You can't do lunch? Are you sure? YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO AVOID ME, ARE YOU? Ha, j/k! I'll just go take Blackledge to a Wal-Mart and see if I can get fat people germs on him--if he'll ever return my phone calls! He can't hide forever! No, no he can't...