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“He began shouting profanity and kicking his legs violently,” Minger said. “Then he began to swing his elbows and arms, and the medics had to restrain his arms, at which point he passed out again.”

While medics were trying to take a blood sample, Johnson regained consciousness and began knocking over materials inside the ambulance, and knocking an IV out of his arm, Minger said. He was placed in a secure portion of the hospital.

Dad? No, it's Indiana football player Darius Johnson, the most prominent casualty of what must have been The Party That Ended The Universe in Bloomington, Indiana this past Saturday night. Johnson earned resisting law enforcement, illegal consumption, and public intoxication charges the incident described above after he was found passed out in the staircase of an apartment building. Four other Indiana players earned disorderly conduct and public intoxication charges about 40 minutes earlier for peeing in public.

Five big dudes all this fucked up off a something consumed at a college party can only mean one thing: a keg of Icehouse and different permutations of fortified wine were involved. Certain other things had to happen, too: people of wildly varying attractiveness scales mated, a video game system was irreparably damaged at one point in the evening, and someone powered a hole into the hopelessly ruined brown carpet of an off-campus apartment with acrid cheap-booze vomit. If memory serves us correctly, the whole scene should have smelled like a homeless man exploded inside the apartment.

Sorry, dude. When the mango grove gets into me, I don't even know where I am.

The charges are all one pointers and total seven points for the Hoosiers.