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MINORITY CANDIDATES TO INTERVIEW NOW THAT YOU KINDA HAVE TO

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It used to be that when minority candidates could be hired the old-fashioned way: when everyone else had said no to the job, either because of the meager salary offered (UCLA) or the impossible task facing whomever was foolish enough to stick their face into the bear trap of the job (Miss State, for instance.) The minority interview did happen from time to time, but was usually done in a manner of blatant tokenism. (In other words, they called Charlie Strong, and he told them he was tired of this shit, and that was that.)

Now, thanks to a penalty-less edict from the Division I-A Athletic Directors' Association, the Rooney Rule has come to college football. The bad news: now, schools will by community agreement and without enforceable penalty require the substantial interview of at least one minority candidate for each position on staff.

A written policy stipulating that any division I-A football program with a head coaching vacancy will interview at least one minority candidate was sent just more than three weeks ago to athletic directors at the 120 schools.

Luckily, ADs who crave the retread white guy of their choice have a loophole: minority is a very wide term, and can describe any number of types of people ADs may include in their consideration. For example, have you, the racist AD, considered interviewing...

Ginger kids. NC State hired a redhead in Tom O' Brien, sure, but did they go the extra step you'll go to in hiring the first real ginger kid to hold a head coaching job? Admittedly, you can't come from a Sun Belt school, since the sun is the natural enemy of ginger kids everywhere. But a nice Northeastern or program in the Pacific Northwest will do nicely.

Lefties. You know they're evil, but still: a minority desperately in need of work. Plus: they really don't have a shorter life expectancy, so in case it works out you don't have to worry about them kicking off early.

The Eskimo. Okay, so we're not sure if any of them are actually coaching. But they're a minority, and you could interview one. The conversation could go something like this:

AD: Tell me a few of your strengths as a leader and administrator.

Eskimo: Kah-bloon-ah nowk? (Where is there a white man?)

AD: Um, and...tell me about your ability to work with alumni a bit.

Eskimo: Comma-tee-nick eye-shook-too! (Bring a dog sled!)

AD: I see...well, I think that about does it for our time here together today.

Eskimo: Tah-koo! Cook-e-oo pee-yuma-voong-ah! Kah-mig-ga cow-shook-toot! (Look! I need a gun! My boots are wet!)

See? The possibilities are endless, tacitly racist ADs of the world. Get to it!