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I'm so hood: Mallett

You know what I was thinking?

I'm never gonna pay taxes. Never, man. Look at Wesley Snipes. Blade made like a zillion dollars, didn't even file a tax return for years, and then when the IRS came after him beat the rap like he was back in Passenger 57. Hell yes, I'm betting on the black--as in Ryan Mallett, professional athlete, being in the black when he doesn't have to pay all those taxes to the asshole IRS. That's totally what I'm gonna do.

You know what else? I'm parking in that handicapped space. Like the crippled don't need exercise, too? Have you been to a casino lately? Cripples are fat, dude. They need some PT, if all the fatties I saw rolling in and out of the Golden Nugget are any indication of cripple buffness levels.

I'm also not using my turn signal. You know what turn signals are? They're Total Pussy Alarm Indicators, as in "Hey, total pussy coming through?" That's why you have brakes, man: to let awesome drivers like me over. Otherwise, you might as well drive blindfolded, right? Idiots.

Oh, and that whole "wait a year before you play after a transfer" bullshit? Yeah, up your ass with that. I mean, I'm in Arkansas now. That's not even in the same country at Michigan, because Michigan is in Canada. Everyone knows that.