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BOBBY BOWDEN'S BUCKET LIST

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Dear Robert--

I am approaching the end of my life, a time you faced with great equanimity. You wrote:

Get correct views of life, and learn to see the world in its true light. It will enable you to live pleasantly, to do good, and, when summoned away, to leave without regret.

The uproarious comedy Glory.

And I'm trying to do just that General, but I saw a motion picture the other day with my son Steve that just troubled me. It's called The Bucket List, and it features one of my favorite actors, Jack Nicholson. It also features Morgan Freeman, who starred in one of my favorite films ever, Glory, which is about the unholy ass-whipping the Confederates handed to to the Union at Fort Wagner. What a testament to their skill and bravery that film is!

The Bucket List made me realize how many things I'd left undone in my life, so after waking Steve up--that boy sleeps 'till 11 every damn day!--I made him take dictation until I was done listing the things I'd like to do before I'm called home to the plantation to sit with Jesus on the old porch of the afterlife.

My list is as follows.

1. Get this japanese yakuza full-body tat of The Bear leading Arkansas to victory in the Civil War removed.

2. Take a steamer to the Dark Continent to hunt rhinos and lions in the Upper Volta.

3. Stop by the Belgian Congo. Visit my old friend Colonel Kurtz along the way.

3. Melt down union soldiers in civil war chess set. Have them recast as mincing fairy-soldiers in hot-pants running away from the men in gray.

4. I've never been active enough in politics, so: volunteer for Strom Thurmond's presidential campaign.

5. Drive to Pawling, New York and shake the hand of my spiritual mentor Norman Vincent Peale. I've got some good Catholic jokes I'm sure he'll like.

6. Charter my own bomber and help out in the war effort by dropping a few big ones on ol' Tojo himself. Also get Ann to stop wearing nylons to help our brave fighting boys over in Korea and Vietnam.

7. Go to a random local high school. Any one will do. Wait for their kicker to leave practice. When he walks through the parking lot, I will do what I have wanted to do for so many, many years: run him over with my car and then back over him until he is dead. God will understand.

8. Skydive! Into a vat of tasty, nutritious applesauce.

9. Take the head job at South Carolina, and then beat Tommy by fifty points every year until he's fired. Then I'll woo and marry his wife, and then have him thrown out into the street penniless, just to show him who's in charge, the whippersnapper!

10. Pay a personal visit to assist my close personal friend Fulgencio Batista and assist him in any way possible in his fight against the Reds.

11. Watch the sun rise over the Himalaya. And then take one of those long treks through 'em to try to get fattie Terry to drop some a that bacon anchor he's been toting around for two decades now.

12. Start attending Charlie Ward's Bible Study groups again. Those used to be so very lively!

13. Enjoy an in-flight meal served on a transatlantic zeppelin flight on British Airways. The dirigible has such a place in all of our futures!

14. Visit the Holy Land. I bet it's the happiest, most blessed place in all the world.

15. See the Great Wall of China, and copy its blueprints for implementation along our southern border. Try not to eat anything while I'm there, because it's all spicy dogmeat, from what I hear.

16. Put video camera in Dennis Erickson's house. Purchase every liquor store in the Tempe area. Close them all on a Friday and keep them closed for an entire weekend. Sit back with a nice glass of milk and watch the fun!

17. Sign up Steve Spurrier anonymously for the ASPCA's "spay and neuter" list to remind him that he is my bitch, and that I fixed him 5-8-1 in head to head competition.

Well, that's about all for tonight, Robert. It's almost dark, and I'm to bed. Say good night to Traveller for me,

-Bobby.