The first scoreboard update for the Fulmer Cup begins with classic material and new developments. First, the scoreboard, brought to you as always by Brian, who is hung like Reggie Fucking Nelson:
Classic: Georgia can't drive. For three years now, we've been advocating the hiring of a motor vehicles supervisor for the University of Georgia Bulldogs, who never manage to do anything really heinous around town but rack up distorted Fulmer Cup scores thanks to their inability to drive legally or register a vehicle properly.
In this year's model, one night featured two UGA classics in row. They happened sequentially, as if packaged for our convenient consumption:
University of Georgia police arrested cornerback Donavon Baldwin, 21, for improper driving and driving under the influence at 3:05 a.m. Sunday.
Fullback Fred Munzenmaier, 19, was arrested 34 minutes later by university police for underage possession of alcohol and being a pedestrian walking in the roadway.
We assess UGA four points in all for the two offenses: two for the DUI, one for the improper driving, and one for the underage possession/behavior risking becoming a human speed bump.
Washington State safety Xavier Hicks earns second-degree assault charges for soaking his teammate Grady Maxwell's contact lenses in rubbing alcohol. Maxwell avoided any harm--he did not put on the lenses, and was presumably tipped off by Hicks suggesting repeatedly "Hey, why don't you put in your contact lenses, hmmmm???--and is evidently pressing charges with ferocity. We would, too: the worst we ever did to any dorm mate was hanging a banner outside our friend Weo's window announcing that he was both gay and proud. See, he wasn't gay! That's what made it FUNNY. "Hate crime." Whatever.
WSU is awarded four points: three for the assault per Fulmer Cup statutes, and one bonus point for total dickheadedness by Hicks in this case.
And our new leader: Oklahoma State. Courtesy of tight end Brandon Pettigrew, who kept it real with a local police officer following a fight involving "10-15 people" in downtown Stillwater this past Sunday morning.
The 6-foot-6, 260-pound Pettigrew and others were told to disperse, but Pettigrew refused to leave, Metcalf said. With his elbow, Pettigrew allegedly struck an officer in the chest, Metcalf said.
At that size, he's lucky he didn't get tasered within an inch of incontinence by local law enforcement officials. For individual arrests involving people as big as Pettigrew, we're fairly certain it's well within the statues of most states to call in airstrikes on them if necessary. Pettigrew was charged with assault on a police officer and public intoxication, meaning a total of five points are assessed for the charges: three for assault, one for being drunk in pub-lick, and one bonus point for hitting a cop. Do we need to explain that hitting a cop is egregiously wrong and deserving of bonus points? No, we don't.
There we go, Coach Gundy. Hit us with our own tirade. We can take it, being a man, though not forty.
Penn State is still noted on there for the refiled charges from last year because, frankly, we're still on the fence here. Last year's charges refiled for this year's points just feels so cheap and reheated.