clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

GUEST COLUMNIST: LOKI, GOD OF MISCHIEF

New, 36 comments

Our guest columnist is the Norse god of mischief, Loki.

Ohhhh, mortals you can doubt my frosty fingers' existence, but their footprints are as clear as the melody from a Roxette power ballad: this season has been among my many masterpieces, along with the Ikea chair that looks comfortable but secretly wrenches your lazy fat American back into knots that your pathetically overpriced health care system cannot heal. Excuse me while I break my arm just to have it fixed for free by this beautiful, well-trained doctor with huge tits.

(KERRRRAAAAAAKKKK!!!) OWWWW!!! It stings like fine vodka going down my divine throat! Fix it now, Frieda, and then suck my love in the sauna in front of everyone while we discuss the darkness of this eternal winter and our only comfort against its terror: friendship. And the group sex! WAHAHHHAAAAA!!!! See who is playing doctor now, lady physician person!

Very good, Frieda. Now behold my finest work yet this season:Al Groh, ACC coach of the year. Oh, you dismiss him as being boring like the stereotypical square-headed Swede, going through his days like a mortician on the antidepressants and eating his herring dutifully before going home to have sex of the normal sort with the wife. You forget that from time to time, to feel better, we burn down the house and run into the north woods, forsaking all we know for a moment of lunacy followed by frostbite of the genitals and starvation-induced hallucinations!

No hallucination is that which you see, friend! Al Groh is coach of the year because Loki, in all his mischievousness, flicked extra points and field goals in, blew with his mighty Scandinavian lungs in the field goals which go errant, and gave the Cavaliers of Virginia victories with opponents' fumbles knocked loose with his wild and wonderful god-rod. Groh went 12-12 the prior two seasons, but mischief never sleeps--though when he does, he does it with three women who all understand that love is fleeting, but lust ere returns like the wicked frost sprites of Hjalsburg.

(He also usually shares his love in the Stockholm Seesaw position of which Loki is fond of with one woman charged with bringing refreshments and coordinating lovemusic for our enjoyment while we contract groin muscles in a glorious Viking way on immaculate sheets in well-arranged apartments in clean, safe streets. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Except for the filthy Turks who clean Loki's apartment. Loki cannot grok multiculturalism. Umm...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

So Loki strikes again! As he will when Virginia goes back to 6-6 next year, for Loki is bored and must move on to the West Coast, where he will begin tying California ladies in sex knots while lending his assistance to Karl Dorrell, who Loki will protect with a win against USC and bowl victory before entertaining ladies at the Viper Room with a guitar who strings are made from Dennis Dixon's anterior cruciate ligament. My pop songs are infectious and irresistable to all the peoples of the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Frieda, more suction! And herring! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!