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Iowa needs more theme parks and shiny things. This addition of shininess and things to do might distract the Iowa football team, who seem to be so boredom-stricken they must resort to crime for distraction. The 15 arrests already tallied up by the Hawkeyes since spring practice may have new friends, soon, as police are questioning three football players regarding an alleged sexual assault this weekend.

The phrase "sexual assault" really should be removed from the legal lexicon, as it's far too entertaining a combination of words to apply to such a heinous thing. Were it not used in the law, it would be the perfect description of a dominating, merciless session in the bedroom. We don't advise a one-person campaign to make the phrase acceptable, though, since "I'm an expert at sexual assault" still makes you sound like, well, an expert at sexual assault.

We suggest our friend Martin's alternative phrasing: just say you play at expert level on your favorite video game Intercourse Hero.

Steve Spurrier is appalled by your violence, grasshopper. In response to Herschel Walker's invitation to step into the ring with him, Steve Spurrier digs deep into his book of Eastern Philosophy and says that he doesn't believe in fighting.

"It doesn't matter one way or the other," Spurrier said, and then reiterated that he was joking about sending scrubs in to instigate a brawl. "I didn't say I would do that. I said it's the way you'd stop [celebrations like that]. Then you'd have to change the rule or some thinking about the rules.

"I was [kidding]. I don't believe in fighting."

He then crossed his legs, sat in the lotus position, and renounced all his earthly belongings save for his set of golf clubs, which he explained he was taking with him through all of time if he had to, reincarnation regulations be damned.

Pat White is a master of understatement. Why would anyone spit on Pat White? He flirts with Erin Andrews during interviews! He meows along with the Pitt Panther roar at Heinz Field! He's just adorable, that man.

In addition to this, he's a master of understatement. While Steve Kragthorpe still denies that Louisville linebacker Preston Smith spit in White's face during West Virginia's 38-31 win over the Cardinals, Pat White insists the incident did indeed occur.

White didn't back down from his contention.

"He spit on me," White said Tuesday night. "I'm sure he doesn't want to admit that. It's a dirty thing to do. It's disrespectful."

Spitting on someone is vile, gross, hateful, unsanitary, disgusting...and maybe, just maybe down at 38th in the list of things spitting is, disrespectful. Plus Bill Romanowski did it, and that alone is a good reason not to do something as a football player. Did Romo do it? Yes? Then you don't want to do it, unless we're talking about winning Super Bowls.

Seven to ten PB&Js a night makes a lineman huge at Penn State. (HT: The Wiz.) Replace the phrase "PB&Js" with "purple drank smoothies," and you've got our college diet down flat.

Miami recruits are now slamming the Canes' lack of effort, thus giving them their "Daddy, I'm not letting you drink anymore even though I'm just a toddler" moment. This, from VHT defensive tackle recruit and current oral commit Marcus Forston.

Forston, a top-rated defensive tackle who attended Saturday's Canes game, said he remains a strong UM commitment, but agrees with Patchan. ''Some guys are not giving full effort,'' Forston said. ``It surprised me. A couple [UM] guys were smiling. I didn't see too much cheering teammates on the sideline. I'm not used to that type of environment.''

Urban Meyer's already texted him thirty times this morning, and it's giving Forston a bit of rash, frankly.

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