clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


Ohio State fans have achieved the impossible. Despite craving the taste of teargas from birth, allegedly beating up handicapped people, and entering each game with the homicidal zeal of an ultra-nationalist Spartak supporter armed with a Camelbak full of cut rate vodka distilled from radioactive Ukrainian produce, you have become an object of sympathy.

Mission accomplished, Penn State fans. You now have the mantle of playing the barbarians in Capital One commercials. You can even now crush that small businessmen smugly in the ads, too, you dicks. You never give him a chance.

THAT WAS THE SICKEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN! YOU ARE THE MAN! We're shocked they didn't fistpound and then immediately play tummysticks out of sheer excitement before watching Penn State die a slow, miserable death 37-17 to Ohio State. We commend the Florida legislature for their foresight in passing a bill to make firing your weapon under threat legal, as these people clearly would have been shot in response to the beer-pelting. (Remember: don't tase me, bro! Shoot me. Tasing is for real bitches.)

Subcommandante Wayne says he thinks these guys are bitches and all, and he woulda laid down some asskick flooring free of charge, but the Grand Am was broken and he couldn't get to the game, man.

(Multiple tips: Yost, Big Ten Tailgate.)