Boston College takes their first turn in the Vietnamese boathouse tonight, giving us another opportunity to photoshop a coach playing Russian Roulette and another shot at telling you a hastily written list of reasons why you want to watch the Eagles go into Virginia Tech tonight in yet another quality Thursday night college football matchup that will, of course, end in tears.
10. If BC wins, they hate America, since Virginia Tech is America's Team this year. The entire student body of UVA has also been put on the terrorist watch list as a result of this rule. Good luck flying to Breckenridge this year without a full cavity search, fucknuts!
Also, loud rooting may merit investigation. You have been warned.
9. To see Chris Fowler rock out to Enter Sandman. We're half-joking--if they get a booth shot of Fowler during Virginia Tech's entrance, you'll see diehard Metallica fan Fowler bobbing his head in the booth.
And for an instant, you'll catch the visage of a 14 year old, acne-stricken little Chris in his room, doing pushups and calling his friend on the phone for the fourth time that day saying, "Have you listened to the bass part on Battery? I mean, REALLY LISTENED? It's like Satan got jealous and killed Cliff just to put him in his band in hell."
8. Enter Sandman. Fowler won't be alone. When we're terminally ill, we'll chose to die in whatever state will allow us to be put in a four-poster bed and killed by massive impact from a semi crashing into us at top speed. If we can't have the heavy metal death of our choice, this isn't America.
7. Jenkins. Beamer derives his power from him, like Krang riding around in his brain box on his mechanical body. Also control announcers minds, who remind you of how cool it is that Beamerball blocks punts, blocks field goals, blocks sunlight, knocks the keys out of old ladies' hands in supermarket parking lots, blah blah bla-ad infinitum.
6. Virginia Tech cornerback Victor "Macho" Harris. If a defense would let a cornerback be called "Macho," he must possess Steve Smith-like abilities to turn larger men into quivering smears of petroleum jelly in film room brawls. Or perhaps, like us, just likes the word from a childhood spent listening to Disney Disco's beguiling "Macho Duck." It's awesome either way, but significantly less fifth-grade gay if it involves beating the crap out of people.
5. Stop to see another wonder of Beamer Ball--a 112th ranked offense with Sean Glennon under center now that Tyrod Taylor, the freshman who took his job, has come up gimpy with an ankle injury. Thus Lee Corso's unending lust for Virginia Tech football--little scoring equals not hard numbersmath for Lee.
4. Boston College's Matt Ryan cannot be killed, or he would already be dead. In fact, he may be playing dead right now, avenging his murder on the gridiron and disappearing into the afterlife shortly after the season. Or in the tradition of great Boston College quarterbacks, fading into the CFL or the NFL's second string--either way you're practically invisible.
3. Punt blocks! Did someone mention that Virginia Tech blocks punts! And field goals!
2. Sean Glennon's teary second quarter breakdown on the sidelines following his eighth turnover will appear on the injury report as "Fractured Psyche--out 3-4 months." This will allow Beamer to run the offense he's always dreamed of running--the single wing--which will keep the game close enough to be called respectful. Jenkins will glow with approval.
1. Boston College Eagles will return triumphantly to seven fans not watching the World Series. Anyone doubting the propriety or stupidity of this oversight of a fine college football team will be labeled "a fahcking douchebag" by someone in a Wes Welker shirt who will then immediately follow up said slander with "How you like them apples, eh? Tom Brady bangs hot chicks!"